Greetins and Exaltations! Ow is aall mi wanderful folks doin? Ms. Dulcie is mekin hout ar Chrismas list fi de cantankerous granpickney dem. Fi mi grandchilren dem no deserb even a starlight, dem gi me bodderation, so till me feel like sey me a go ave body come down.

Dem halways a run hup and dung de yard like prickle juk dem. Fi mi pressha cyant tek dem an de hexcitement. But me luv dem all de same.

Dem is really me God-chilren, but at fi mi hage dem may as well be mi granpickney. When de Ingrid she get married den maybe she we gimme a granchile, but knowin ar. She will be too busy wit ar ballet. You knoe dese career oomen. Iz wen de clock go bong!

Dat’s wen dem wan fi sekkle dung. Hanyway, me haff hole heap a letta fi read. Owever, dere is wan letta me haffi read ‘cause dis poor oman is frettin fi ar grandson nite and day.

Dear Ms. Dulcie:

How are you doing? I think your column is rather cheery and splendid. All my friends tell me that you have acquired quite a following and have become a Leader in forward thinking which gets results.

The reason I am writing to you is that my only grandson Everton works for the U.S. Mint, they have him working long shifts guarding all the money that is sent around the U.S. cities.

He makes a handsome salary and is very proud to be able to do nice things for me. However, some things just aren’t worth risking yourself.

On occasion, he has to go with the National Guards to transport the money.

My grandson has told me some harrowing tales about hooligans trying to intercept their deliveries. He has also been getting harassing phone calls at home requesting him to give out privileged information.

Although I know he’s equipped with tear gas and heavy artillery I worry about the crazy, kamikaze, vagabonds in the real world.

Besides prayer, is there anything that I can do to make myself feel more at peace with his profession?

Ms. Dulcie, I must admit that I find myself patrolling his place of business several times for the week, trying to watch over him, as any overprotective grandmother would. I make up excuses, such as, I’m bringing him lunch, I can’t wind my clock properly and the excuse that gets his co-workers talking is, “Grandma misses you!”

I’m afraid I am running out of excuses, and now I just seem like a silly old lady who doesn’t have anything better to do with her time.

Ms. Dulcimer, I really need your help regarding this matter. Please write soon!

Sincerely,

Anxious Grandmother

Dear Ms. Anxious:

What mek you grandson choose to do such a risky job? Dese high risk jobs probably pay very well, so mi understan. But, you as a grandmother can’t sid dung all day an worry. Yu hafi occupy you mine wid a puzzle ar sumting. S’pose im wuk fi de company thirty years, you gwey fret dat long?

No man, you will get ole before yu time. My fren Mr. Fowler did wuk fi de Worl Bank. Hevry eveling me tan hup like Police Sargent while im sekkle de bank affairs. Well, all me do is carry mi rod a correction , mi fowl foot an mi fairy dust.

Me sey wan afternoon mi did a dig an grage thru de crocus bag wey me carry an de fairy dust get wey pon Mr. Fowler hankerchief……Heh…Heh!

One piece a sneezing’ from ere to Almond Town. De man sneeze an tun puple afta two hours straight. Me had fi tek im go a de drive-in clinic near St. Elizabeth. Him noseole swell up like a big jack fruit.

So, since me an you talk good, I gwey sen you sum a mi special fairy dust an a nice fowl foot, fresh from de coop. De nex ting me wan fi tell you is, sage im an him people dem dung. Dem sell de sage by de bushel at de Farmer’s Market.

You don’t haffi mek a big production. Just go on dere like a regula visit. Nice and cool….. Tek dem some toto or bun and cheese. Den while dem busy eatin. Yu just sage dung dem truck. If you haf any white rum, jus sprinkle likkle bit hof it hall ova. De white rum iz so strong dat it will run any cross spirit straight to hell!

Tell dem doughn’t stop not heven far dem dearly departed relatives. Jus keep goin. Dem fi do like de tankers dem inna de army….Full speed ahead!

Annodder ting yu can do iz, tell him to douse imself wid sum olive ayl…but im haffi mek sure im don’t use too much or else de money will slip outta im hand. Odder an dat hall yu can do is pray, pray, pray.

A few saintly pendants is a good idea. My likkle grand-son im haf so many of dem when im go to Boy Scouts Meetins im look like a decorated General.

De evil spirit dem run wey from him because dem just see de shining comin at dem.

Don’t worry mi love, Ms. Dulcimer gwey sey ar special prayers far you an you grandson an everyting gweyn to be irie. OK.

Write me an mek me know how unno makin out. Till nex time.

Dulcimer Robothom