The 5 Must Have For An Enjoyable Jamaican Christmas
Jamaicans love Christmas time but not for all the lights, decorations and shopping. Food and drink is at the center of a Jamaican Christmas, with family reunions and catching up over a huge meal playing a huge part in the celebrations. Many things have changed in Jamaican culture over the years, but the traditions that make the season enjoyable still hold strong.
Jamaican Jokes: Jamaican Lottery Winner
Recently, this Jamaican won the 10 million special lottery for a dollar. As soon as the office of the Lottery Corporation was open on the following day, he was there to collect his winnings.
Business Marriage VS Presidential Executive Order - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 107
I was now convinced I was living with Satan's daughter. After the incident where Juliet followed me and saw me with Nicola she demanded more money for the business marriage. She said I had agreed to not see Nicola and I was still seeing her. She threatened to move out and call the whole thing off if I did not give her more money. In fact she requested that I give her some of the money before the wedding.
Hard Luck - Short story; adopted from the book The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois
Rudolph was twenty-one, and still a virgin. There were two reasons for this; one, he was so ugly that no girl in his home town wanted to be seen with him, much more to sleep with him. Two; he could not afford to pay the prostitutes even though he offered them more than what he thought was the going rate. He read the newspaper column for ‘Pen-pals Wanted’,
picked out some names and addresses, and wrote to a number of girls all over the island.
Godmother and Enid. - Short story; adopted from the book The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois
For nearly a century, from the late eighteen nineties to the early nineteen seventies, Jamaica enjoyed unprecedented growth compared to the other West Indian countries. The capital, Kingston was a melting pot. People from all over the world were taking up residences there. Along with the island’s lovely climate, cost of living was very low and many of the new residents enjoyed the island hop to Cuba for fanfare and gambling. The island’s people fared well, because of the need for added housing and other amenities, especially in Kingston where there was plenty of employment.
Jamaican Jokes: Country Baby Fadah (Father)
A young Jamaican father-to-be living dung inna country awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying "Docta! Docta! Come fas! A mi wife sah! Ar water bruk an shi bout fi av di pikni!"....
Newman Thompson - Short story; adopted from the book The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois
In the Jamaican country side that Newman lived, he was known as the village lawyer. Many of the folks in the area affectionately called him Barrister. Some even thought that Barrister was his real name. The judicial court days were always on Wednesdays, and Newman would be in the court room whether he had a trial or not. He was well versed with the British court system in England. He had many run-ins with the law there, and because of his oratory skills and fast talking he had managed to stay a step or two ahead of the authorities.
8 Things Jamaicans Hate
There are things Jamaican don't like but nothing compares to what they hate. Here are a list of 8 things Jamaicans hate
Conflicted - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 106
A political scandal dealing with immigration was dominating the news cycle. Typically, when you hear about politicians involved in an immigration scandal it is either a housekeeper or a babysitter, usually a labor worker they hired knowing they are illegal aliens. A Boca Raton politician vying for a seat in congress, was set to withdraw his candidacy as his wife admitted that her first marriage was a “business" marriage.
12 Favorite Jamaican slangs of all time
Every now and then, a catchy slang makes it into the Jamaican language usually spreading in popularity through reggae and dancehall songs. While some may be familiar with the more recent ‘nobody canna cross it’ and ‘A yah so nice’ here are a few Jamaican slangs which were much more than a passing fad. Some like ‘skettel’ and ‘Joe Grind’ are more than 20 years old.
5 Things Jamaicans are afraid of
Most Jamaicans like to act like they’re king of the world, but behind all that bravado, you will find some simple and weird things that they’re afraid of. From people who burn personal items in fear someone might use it to “work necromancy” and stop their progress, to when a ‘moos moos’ (mouse) runs across the floor. These are just a few of the things that can cause a big man to scream like a girl.
5 Things about Jamaica That Drive Us Crazy
Bad roads, government bureaucracy, dirty politicians, shoddy service - there are lots of things about Jamaica that drive us crazy enough to make a good Christian curse. These are just a few hair-raising examples that may draw out a few colourful pieces of fabric.
10 Things Jamaicans Do To Save Money
Jamaicans have always been able to find ingenious ways to save money in harsh economic times. Whether at the supermarket, at work or going about their everyday lives, they come up with their own methods to stretch every dollar and make almost everything last longer. Here are a few...
Jamaican Jokes: Devon and the Beggar
Every morning Devon would drive down Constant Spring Road on his way to work. And every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar man $50. After a while Devon started to give the beggar $30. The beggar, noticing that his money was reduced, was not too pleased, but said nothing...
Sick As A Dog!!! - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 105
I wanted to be put out of my misery and would take just about any drug that would do that. I was sick like a dog. I was throwing up and doing number 2 at the same time just after midnight. There was no way I was going to work so at 6:00 am I called the store to let them know I would not be in.
10 Words Jamaicans Mispronounce
Jamaican patois is a fun, expressive language of which its people are proud. However, mispronunciations are bound to occur given that it is deeply intertwined with the English Language. Here are some common words Jamaicans often mispronounce.
Missed Opportunities - Short story; adopted from the book The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois
Linval Lewis was fifteen years old in nineteen fifty-nine when he seriously began to think about what he wanted to be, or could be as an adult a mere six years away. Prior to that he thought that at age twelve he would be sent off to the Kingston Technical High school like his cousin Donavan and some other boys from his elementary school. He was very disappointed when his father told him that there would be no money for him to attend High School. Elementary School rules did not allow students past the age of fifteen to attend full time. However, they were allowed to attend part-time to study for the Jamaica Local Examinations.
The thin line between love and hate - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 104
The friendly relationship between Juliet and I had deteriorated after she pulled off that stunt putting pepper in Nicola's panty
. We were basically 2 ships passing each other by in the house. It was not going to help our "business" marriage so I made a conscious decision to try and make things better.
4 New Poems
We added 4 new poems by Maxine Foster: Dear I, I Got Love dedicate to Ras Ifuma (Michael), She dance-Dedicate to Robert Nesta Marley and I Love You
Look like a police or look like a criminal. An intriguing and fascinating story; adopted from the book The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois: Words, Phrases and Short Stories
A single mother lived in Kingston with three pre-teen children. A boy named Cole twelve, and two girls, one ten and the other eight years old. She became single when her husband of fourteen years left for America on a farm work contract. For the first two months of his absence he sent her money by Western Union. He did not write or telephoned, and she had no way of contacting him.
Is it really cheating? - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 103
Jerome was the new pharmacy manager at the store. He was half Puerto Rican and half Dominican, tall and in his early 40's. He and I got along well. He was married to a Jamaican lady of East Indian descent. He would call her his “coolie Jamaican wife” jokingly. I had stopped using the word coolie when I learned it was a derogatory word
in some countries.
BOARDLANE TV: Jamaicans Grieve Over Brazil’s Crushing Defeat. (Funny Spoof)
Hello there World Cup fans. As we now know Brazil is reeling from a crushing seven to one defeat handed down by the Germans in what most are calling a shocker of epic proportion. Some Jamaicans are die-heart fans of the Brazil football club and are not happy with the defeat. Boardlane TV news is here in the Mall Plaza to learn just how unhappy these fans are. Let me begin with this T-shirt vendor. Miss, give us your take on the Brazil loss.
Jamaican Jokes: We are getting divorced
An elderly Jamaican man in May Pen calls his son, Devon, in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
Barking dog - A short story, adopted from the book ‘The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois: Words, Phrases and Short Stories’
Alton Daley was eleven years old when his family moved to the other end of his parish, causing him to change schools. He was shy and did not make friends right away. The school-bully was a twelve year old named Lad Wilson. Lad was big for his age, as he was the same size as some fifteen year olds. He immediately noticed Al’s shyness and started to pick on him. Every school day Lad ate Al’s lunch and threatened to beat him up if he mentioned it to anyone.
Red Bull & Pepper In She Panty - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 102
Nicola Roche, was making my life very complicated. She was not the "last hurray" before I got married. Nicole was more that a fling in my life. I was in love with her.
Mad, and mistaken to be mad. A short story, adopted from the book: The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois: Words, Phrases and Short Stories’
Two preteen boys, Lon and Ted, were next-door neighbors. They were the closest of friends. They did everything together. They even had slight resemblances of each other, of which, no one could explain, but they didn’t mind and were on many instances mistaken for twins by people who did not know them. Both boys were avid fans of Western style movies and comic books. Sometimes they dressed themselves as the characters and played the parts of Cowboy and Indian.
Jamaican Jokes: Do you know me?
Jamaican lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they're not prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Falmouth small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
The Preacher from afar. A short story, adopted from the book: The ORIGINAL JAMAICAN Patois: Words, Phrases and Short Stories’
Clarendon, Manchester and Saint Elizabeth are three neighboring parishes that stretched from near the middle of Jamaica toward the west of the island. During the late fifties and up to the early seventies at least four large Bauxite and Alumina companies built factories in those parishes and processed the bauxite ore and alumina silt for export. Work was plentiful, and men from all over the island flocked to the vicinities in search of employment, to trade, and some even to gamble. Most of those who got employed managed to find temporary housing in the areas and travelled back to their homes elsewhere on weekends.
Jamaican Joke: Jamaicans are no idiots
On a ship an American, an English man, and a Jamaican were sailing. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop something in the sea; if I find it I will eat you ... If I can't, then I will be your slave!"
I think I am in love - Memoirs of An Illegal Alien Part 101
Nicola Roche had it all. She was beautiful. She had great personality. She had a great body. She was very smart. She looked like a "mix" between Lisa Hanna the (last Jamaican to win Miss World) and actress Halle Berry. In fact she had entered Miss Jamaica and was the first runner up (2nd place). She was 22 years old but was very mature. She knew what she wanted in life. She was wife material. I kept thinking “Why did I not meet her before committing myself to the business marriage”?
Jamaican Joke: Terri and Terry
A Jamaican woman walks into the Halfway Tree social welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. 'Rahtid,' the social worker exclaims, 'are all of dem yours?'
5 Things Jamaicans Hate
Jamaicans like many others cultures have things they hate. They say the British hate hearing butchered American English. They say American hate waiting on the phone for Customer Service. Here are our picks for the top 5 things Jamaicans hate.
What is Fi Yu Cyaa Be Unfi You: What Is For You - Part 27 My last few days in Jamaica flew by. I went to Mandeville for a day to see those grandparents one final time and I spent a day with my grandparents that lived in Kingston as well. That evening, I went over to Adrianne’s house for dinner to say goodbye to that branch of the family too.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” my cousin declared when we were in her room after dinner.
Jamaican Joke: Eight Mad Men
Eight men have been at a mental hospital for a period of time and are being tested to find out how they are progressing in order for them to leave the institution. The doctor in charge takes them all into a room and with a marker draws a door on the wall and asks each one of the patients to find their way out of the room as part of the test.