Jamaica

Hallo out dere mi wanderful fans! Well, de day as come we me haffi give me one likkle wash belly pickney away to ar intended!

Afta ow many month a preparacion de day as com we me , Ms. Dulcimer Peaches Robothom haffi hand fi mi sweet gal pickney to dis dress makin bwoy. Lork a massie!

Me was hall set fi go a Hengland far de Weddin, when me get wan telegram from de Hingrid she.

Dear Mammie:

The Wedding location has been changed. We are planning to have the event in Addis, Ababa, Ethiopia.

Ticket will be waiting at the airport as discussed previously. Dates remain the same, except you have to leave Jamaica two days earlier. See you.

Love,

Ingrid and Yehuda

Uno undastand mi dyin trial? Dis gal pickney waz hallways off a rockas from she likkle bit. Wit Hingrid, she hallways keep you pon you toes cause you nevva knoe which direccion ar mind leadin ar. Iz jus de odda day me go a Hengland an pay one whole heap a money far one very hexpensive weddin dress, flowars an ceremony. Now mi girle chile a tell me sey, plans change.

De custed ballet muss be a get to ar head!

Me no knoe nuttin bout Ethiopia, an ow fi get dere, next ting me end up inna Mogadishu wid de insurgents dem. But see here!

Me call Hingrid pon de phone an ge ar a piece a me mind. Afta all, a me did change ar likkle duttie , nappy dem.

Dis was ar tryin fi cyalm me dung, “Mammie, it’s no big deal, just go to the airport get on the British Airways flight, change planes in London, Ethiopian Airlines, and in two-twos, you,ll be in Addis Ababa. It’ll be great!”

Den de bwoy Yehuda get pon de phone, “Love you Mammie, see you soon!”

A who sey im cyan call me Mammie? Im an Ingrid a mek me trek half-way roun de worl fi ge ar wey. Mi did bex you see. Me trow two tiad clothes inna wan grip an beg Missa Fowler fi tek me go Sangsta Hinternational Airport. From dere me tek Air Jamaica go London, den wen mi get to Heathrow, me tek wan Ethiopian Airline Flight to Paris, Den from Paris to anodder Ethiopian Airline Flight, mussey almost farty height houas lata me reach a dis Addis Ababa. De whole time me confuse up cyan dun. Me no undastand de language dem a speak pon de airline. Me couldn’t heven hask de Air Hostess fi a glass a wata, cause dem no speak henglish. By de time me lan a Bole Airport. Me parched cyan done, an me stomach waz a grumble.

People a hask me ,“You have any beer?” Me jus tell dem, mi no drink. Iz lata me fine hout sey a money dem a hask far.

My girle chile an ar Ethiopian Jew almost mek me carry on bad inna de Airport. Me a look fi dem from me lan until it halmost get dark. Den afta two houas of lookin far dem, one driva show up an tell me sey demma house hunt and dem get tied hup. Well, I wazz seethin. Me couldn’t did hundastand wat kine a “hall an pull-up” bizness Hingrid get me mix-up, mix-up into. Me nevva wan go wid de driva, me start tink all kina tings. Im could be a serial killah. Jesus Chrismus! Me heart waz a pound you see.

Me check inna wan hotel name “Dessalyn”. It was okay, me did too rile up fi henjoy anyting, cause Hingrid had me hall twisted up inna ar mysterious wedding. Wen mi reach inna me suite, wan note from de two roonkus-poonkus dem waz left on de dressa.

“Hi Mammie!”

“We’re so glad you made it. Yehuda gave me my bling, bling at the Dessalyn. Enjoy!

See you tomorrow at St. Georges Church. I’ll be the one in the sparkling, white, Sari.”

Big Kisses!

Yehuda and Ingrid.

Me pickney need sum phensic a tink she bounce ar head pon de ballerina stage. She change ar traditional wedding dress far wan Sari?

Next ting she a go tell me sey iz dat me haffi go barefoot to ar weddin.

Me go fi put wey me tings inna de closet , de next ting me notice, izza nedder note. “Look in de garment bag Mammie a nice dress for you to wear to the wedding.”

It waz a nice dress halright. One whole heap a cotton material, an wan big multicolored cummerband, roun mi waist. De ongly ting dat cum to me mine waz me pocomania costume. It heven had a matchin turban. I felt sick to mi stomach, a felt like I waz havin body come down. De pickney dem gawn crazy. Dem mussey pon drugs, by dis time me waz pon a mission fi talk to de Yehuda’s parents. If ongly me coulda rememba im last name. A would a cyall im parents dem, a ge dem a piece a mi mind.

De weddin day, me show a de church, St. George’s Cathedral. One cute, little church in de miggle of de town. De ongly ting familiar waz de fact dat Haile Selassie waz coronated dere. One big statue of im waz outside at the church yard. As me go fi henter de church, wan man sey, “Kindly take off your shoes madame!”

Well dat waz it! Me had to find dis Hingrid an chat some sense in ar brain. But, me couldn’t heven get through. De likle church musey did have bout a million people in dere. Me had fi stan hup pon de pew fi see Hingrid. Iz a good ting me nevva waz up front. De girle chile no get married inna wan muslin Sari, wrapped from head to toe, with a bouquet of dried flowars, an him, dress up inna some soldier costume.

Like a custed mascot! Me jus pretend sey me nevva knoe dem. A wey she do wid all de money wey mi gey ar fi wan fabulocious weddin?

Yu mean Yehuda Dress shoppe couldn’t afford a betta weddin dan dis? No man! Me couldn’t tek no piccha an show fi me fren dem inna Jamaica, dem woulda laugh me straight to Moko.

De children dem didn’t heven have wan recepcion. Dem hinvite me inna dem limousine, fi a ride back to me hotel, at least me get wan fruit drink dat taste like rum punch. Hingrid an Yehuda give me wan kiss an let me hout at de hotel, saying, “See you tomorrow Mammie, remember we’re taking you to the Airport!”

Me jus turn to de de Hingrid she an hask ar wey ar married name iz. She ansa me sey, “Mrs. Kuchumba”.

Poor fi me gran pickney dem, what a name dey will haffi bear!

Me waz on a mission to cyall de Kuchumbas an hask dem wey dem tink bout dis no-frills weddin, but hevry time me cyall dem yard, de Housekeeper tell me dem hoff de island. Dem hoff de island halright. Dem an dem son off dem rockas an visitin Koo-Kooville. Me poor Hingrid! A wey she get ar self into?

Me wanted fi tek hoff mi sandal and straighten dem hout, but me jus waltz inna de hotel like a “good modder” an horder a whiskey. Me nevva drink halcohol inna me life. Dem an dem macca-bracca affair just lef me so disgusted me couldn’t heven sey a word.

De nex day dem cum fi tek me go a de Airport. De Yehuda him sey, “Mammie we are making a stop first.”

Me say, “No man, me inna hurry fi go back to JA. All dis hexcitement, has made me a bit woozy.”

Im insist fi tek me go clear up inna de mountain, near some place cyall Ras Dashan. All me could a sey is, “Yes, papa-dee, dem a go kill me hoff an tek me two tiad shilling. You knoe how many times a read about dese crimes of chilren. Lord of mercy dem gwey do me in.”

A should did tell Missa Fowler de address an phone numba wey me waz a visit. Dem will nevva fine me body.

De next ting me know iz, we pull hup to wan rahted mansion, wid big wrought iron gates and two sculptured lions on eider side. De gold-plated gates said, “Villa Jubilee”.

Ingrid, she bawl hout, “See Mammie! We took the original wedding money and put it towards this house isn’t it beautiful?”

It sure waz a long way from mi zinc house inna country. Come to tink hof it. I doughn’t rememba givin dem dat much money, but I guess dem mussey multiply it somehow. De place have bout twelve bedrooms, an a ballroom. Me gal pickney waz livin de life of de rich and famous. Lawd a feel good!

Hafta dat, dem put me pon de plane an a travel back First Class to mi cabbage patch wid a big, ole raucous smile pon mi face. Me gal pickney did me proud afta all.

I guess Hingrid rich now, so she cyan afford fi be a likle eccentric hevry now an again. But me will hallways be Ms. Dulcie from Oracabessa, Falmouth an St. Elizabet. While dem livin de high life inna Ethiopia, me will be corespondin to you good people. Tek cyare, till next time.

Me hoff fi post dese children a real, ole fashion Jamaican wedding cake. Dem cyan freeze it till dem Fus Anniversary.

Best Wishes!

Dulcimer Robothom