Jamaica

Ow hall you decent folks doin out dere in de wonderful world? Well, Ms. Dulcie alright you knoe hexcept fi mi pressha, me is doin fine an dandy. You knoe de ongly reason mi pressha so high is because me an Ms. Bharanggasang go fi dinna hat dis place call…”Hot Stew?….Hot Frying Pan?……Me cyant rememba de name. All de same de mackerel did salt cyant dun. Lawd! Me head start urt me same time.

Ms. Bharanggasang she is a nedda story. She cyall hout to de waita, askin dem if dem a try fi bump we hoff, cause de food fulla salt. She sey, “Dulcimina, dem a try fi kill we hoff!”

Me jus bust out inna one laugh. Me sey, “Me chile dem jussa try a ting, poor ting dem, dem a learn fi cook.”

All de same dough Ms. Bharanggasang, she is no joke you knoe. She hallways a cyall me Dulcimina an me keep telling ar sey me name is Dulcimer. Me nevva see a oman set in ar ways so !

Ms. Bharanggasang is a very stocky and plump oman, so through dat one oman hask ar one day, “How many months pregnant are you?”

Well, my dear peple, she tek hoff ar boogas dem an chrow it like wan boomerang. De oman tek hoff like wan jet, is ongly Donald Quarry could run so fast. God bless ar dough, she’s a real good fren. Nobody no mess wit me when Ms. Bharrangasang de roun, dem peple inna St. Mary fraid a ar like puss.

Anyhow, mek me read wan letta to uno bout dis poor man. Me feel so sarry fi im. Im marry wan real prekke. De gal ketch im by sayin she’s a mogel. Heh! Heh! She’s a mogel alright. A mogel louse.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robothom:

I am an English man living in Russia and two years ago I married a very beautiful woman called Nushkaya. At the time I thought I was the luckiest man in the world to have won the affections of one so beautiful and alluring.

From the time I saw her sashaying down the runway in St. Petersburg, my heart immediately stopped and I was determined to make her my wife.

I guess I was overtaken by my shallowness, because the fact that she was a Model made me even more attracted to her. I would have done almost anything to possess her and make her mine.

The signs of selfishness and hypocrisy were all there from the beginning, yet I chose to ignore it. The truth is Ms. Dulcimer , although I am a successful man, I am not the most handsome. Therefore, to have earned the attentions of a woman who is sought after by many, was a great accomplishment for me. Call it lack of self-esteem, but to be in hot pursuit of her became my life’s mission. We were married ten days after a whirlwind romance, I wooed her in all the major cities of the world, Rome, London, Paris and Rio de Janeiro. I made sure she had all the comforts of home, yet it never really seemed quite good enough. She began comparing herself to her other Model girlfriends, and what their spouses or significant others had done for them. If they had a housekeeper, she had to have three. If they redecorated their houses, we had to move to a more upscale neighborhood.

After we were married six months, she stopped going on modeling assignments, so the bulk of the financial responsibility fell on me. Her demands kept becoming more frequent and considerably more expensive. Even in the throws of bankruptcy, I could never say no to her. Once she became pregnant, I had hoped that motherhood would have stabilized her, but things grew progressively worse. A month after our child Solyinka was born, she left her alone and went out dancing with her jet set pals. She did not return home until two days later, high as a kite.

Suddenly, I was supporting her expensive taste for couture, her drug habit, and the extravagant lifestyle our infant child led. Don’t get me wrong Ms. Dulcimer, Solyinka has been the best thing out of this marriage, but even now that we are no longer together, she insists on having $300,000.00 a month for child support. This woman is truly in denial.

I guess it wasn’t until I was brought up on charges for embezzling funds from my Company, that I realized that I had sunken to an all time low. How does a man of my stature get into a situation like this, so rapidly, and not have been able to do anything about it?

Ms. Dulcimer because of Nushkaya, my profitable business went under, trying to support her crack habit. My self-esteem has eroded due to the fact that when I was not able to give her the material things she desired, she began sleeping with my business associates.

Not only has she managed to destroy a life that took years to build, but she has publicly humiliated me as well.

I would appreciate your very candid remarks regarding my circumstances. Many have called me a fool, however, I have to believe that there is some greater explanation from all of this.

Dear Mr. Shallow & Hollow:

If you cum to Ms. Dulcimer far coddling an sympattie, me only haf one ting fi tell you.

“Doughn’t mek you self no hediot far no oman!”

Hopen de bockle a s’mellin salt and WAKE HUP!!!!!!

Fi mi Antie Penelopie did tell mi wan time sey, “Hif you meet a man pon de dance floor, ima go dance houta you life like dat“. So, de same way you meet ar pon de runway, iz de same way she a go run wey from you. Me no cyare hif she is de Mogel fi America an de Universe. Any oman wey put too much strain pon a man is a real macca-bracca. Two peple mus wuk togather an support heach odder. Sometimes a man wan fi tek cyare a im wife. But de oman mus have some gratefullness an compassion far de man. A shine yeye gal is a trouble to a man ‘cause, every flippin’ ting she see, she want hit. Heven hif you husban is a mega-billion year, de well cyan heventually run dry.

De gal nevva haf no fundation, you knoe wey dem cyall, “Hurry-cum-up?” Did you check hout ar background ? Fi all you knoe she was a pop-style pon you, pretendin sey she accustomed to all dese tings, wen nutting go so.

Dem haff a Jamaican song dat sey, “If you mek a pretty oman you wife, you will be wukin all you life.”

Yu cyan marry a beautiful oman, but you haffi mek sure sey, she iz a oman of substance. Dat means dat she haffi have good sense and iz willin to be yu partner. She haffi earn ar tikle every day. Now me nat sayin dat you musin treat ar nice an romantic. Owever, a man mus knoe sey im wife naw go shub im hout inna de Rio Grande widout a life preserver. You ketch mi drift?

De wan me sarry far iz de likkle chile, she will haffi deal wid dat mogel a la louse far eternity. Please do Ms. Dulcimer a favor, mek sure sey you hallways tek cyare a yu pickney. No mek dat de gal Nushushukaya, Nuskaya….? Whatever ar blinkin’ name iz, no mek ar haul an pull you hup again. As far de $300,000.00 dollas wey she want fi de chile, tell ar mus bring de pickney an leff ar wit you. Ms. Dulcimer knoe dat $300,000.00 dollas will be hat de bottom of de chillum-pipe. Nuff said……

Tek cyare till nex time.

Dulcimer Robothom