Tally-ho! To hall you people out dere inna T.V. Land!
Dis is Ms. Dulcimer Peaches Robothom talking straight to you from de Golden Globes Awards inna Los Angeles, Caliefornia. I am ere wid mi side kick Ms. Puncinella Hortensia Simpsonia.
Hit was a backle fi cum ere today but we mek hit. Me haff one gown on by de man name Thierry Mugler. Hif you hask mi, dis ya organza mek me look like me a hide from one Mugger. Anyhow, dem all sey me look fabulocious, so me a go wid de vibes…eh?
Mi dear Ms. Puncinella haff on a gown by Rheem Acra, with a long frilly trail, that says, “Eat dus and die!” She look good, when me see ar gown, me hair nearly tand pon hend.
Now, we are ere pon de crimson carpet, wey it hotta dan ell. Not heven Jamaica hot so, himagine dem cyant heven put wan 99 cents fan pon de premises so we no sweat like hog?
No man, me a go write Mista Kodak wan letta has soon has me change me frock dis ya eveling.”
“Ms. Puncinella ere comes Nicole Ritchie wid ar baby carriage, but wait, she put on sum weight, she lookie rader irie dere, iz who she a look far?’
“Shhh…Dulcimer, she looking far Joel, dem sey im lef she an de baby fi go DJ at de Hafta party. Lord have Mercy! Hif Mr. Ritchie im eva fine hout bout dis ya fracas. A whole heap a goozungo a go, go on. Strange tings are hapenin ere folks at de Golden Globes!"
"Stay tuned……”
“We are live on de red-crimson carpet an will keep you posted on Nicole “Are you there Joel?” Ritchie.
“Hi there Ms. Dulcimer and Ms. Puncinella! It’s me Tom Cruise!”
“Puncie, a who im a eggs up wid? Me did like im you see, till im do a dutty deed to Nicole Kidman. Me no knoe wey rong wid im…….”
“Dulcie, im a sey hi to you, ansa im nuh!”
“Sumetimes uno mus mek sleeping dawgs lie! Cho!”
“Hi dere Missa Cruise, you lookin very dapper dere dis fine eveling, an iz dis you luvely wife? Nobada tun ar fool-fool like you halmost do wid Nicole. Yu mus leff people gal pickney alone hif you nah do de right ting! Ms. Dulcimer iz teking all a yu hantics dem very personal ‘cause me haff a girle chile too.”
“Okay! Ms. Dulcimer, let we sen Missa Cruise pon im merry way. Ta, ta, rememba our wuds hof wisdom.”
“Puncinella, yu see how im poor wife look like she a go drop dung. A bet you im a ill-treat de poor gal. You knoe dat likkle Suri gwey tek cyare a im bizness. Dat baby haff a special gift, you knoe. Yu wait! She a go bewitch im like a likkle fairy.”
“Dulcie. Im good-lookin bad, but im iz kina creepy. Good Luck, Missa Cruise win de award an treat you fambly nice!!!!”
“Doughn’t look now Dulcie, but CJ comin dis way!”
“A who you a call CJ, Puncinella? Iz no Pamela Anderson dat? Whey de res a ar clothes de? Me no undatan, ow ar usban cyan sen ar outta treet widdout some piece a cloth ova ar baggie. Im mussey ar pimp? Dat poor girle! Im hustling ar.”
“Pssssst! Pamela! Cum ere dahlin, tek dis shawl an cover up yu loveliness yu ere! Ms. Dulcie an Ms. Puncinella gwey tek cyare a dat de crab louse wey yu got. Neva mine precious, go sid dung an haf a good time.”
Well, folks we are hexperiencing heveryting ere at dese Golden Globe Awards tonight. Dem mussey name it de Golden Globe Awards hafta de Papparazzi dem, cause de hongly ting golden a dem de headlights wey dem a shine so bright pon we. A criminal dem a look far? Cause iz ongly wen dem a do APB dem shine light so bright. Uno betta gett away from ere or we gwey sprinkle uno wid some Mad Puss Vitamins. If you ketch we drift….”
“Puncinella me doughn’t undatand what is going on inna de Fashion Hindustry tonight. All de gown dem mek houta pure polyester, dem mussey a ration de material dem. Look Dulcie! Angelina Jolie! Dat’s mi girle! She haff spunk, I am so glad dat de Brad hiz acting very mature dese days. Im iz all grown hup now. What a jubilation!”
“Dulcie, she halright…..Aldough, I tink she iz a go-getta at hany cost. She put ar mine to sumting, an de next ting you knoe, mission accomplished. Maybe, dem should mek ar run fi President.”
“Puncie, dat might just set Hamerica straight, Angelina an ar Rainbow Coalition runin tings…..Watch out! Salvation iz pon de way!”
“De Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez and de Alba a shoob us outta de way wid dem baby pram, dem a rush fe get seat fi dem an dem hentourage. Between de four a dem, dey hoccupy ten row, dem haf Nanny, Publicist, baby luggage, shrink and significant odders. Fi dem kit and kaboodle, a go mek hevry body stumble inna de place. Uno ladies doughn’t farget fi drape hup uno gown wen passing de Baby Modders’ Crew an cover uno mouth when sneezing. We not gwey give de likke cutie-pies any germs..eh?”
“Dulcie, a jus saw Ofrah, but she look so sad…Yu knoe, she waz wearing black.”
“Dat’s right Puncie, Ofrah just loss ar two dawgs, Sorefoot and Grassie…..Let’s hall bow for a moment hof silence…….Ofrah we prayin far yu…yu ere..God Bless!”
“But Dulcie, who ar all dese people comin in hafta Ofrah? Me no recognize dem…me nevva see dem pon no show!’
“Puncinella, see de Smiley Cyrus dere….I doughn’t knoe what show she com dung into. But she cute like a button an me like ar name. Keep smiling, Smiley!”
“Dulcimer, iz who dat teeny,weeny, person filing into the seat near de stage?”
“No Star Jones…But me no se de usban im. Wall street mussey run wey wid im?”
“Yoo-hoo Star! Mek we get a nice picksha of yu no. Yu lookin svelte since yu lose de weight, but sweethart yu musn’t lose no more weight, or helse we cyan’t pick yu hout a de crowd…yu ere?”
“Kisses from Ms. Dulcimer and Ms. Puncinella!”
“Ere comes Fergie and her fiancie! Heh! Heh! Since she meet ar Mr. Fancy Pants she shrow de Black Eye Peas inna de Gulley.”
“Ow dem sey in Hamerica, Dulcie? She dropped dem like dem was hot?”
“Yu folks knoe what we tryin fi say, right?”
“Puncinella, hold de microphone far me nuh…me jus glimpse The Donald and Mrs. Trump, me gwey hask im hif im cyan put inna good wud far Missa Fowla likkle daughta wid de Miss Hamerica Pageant people. Me soon come back!”
“Folks, dis iz Ms. Puncinella Hortensia Simpsonia an a very harried Dulcimer Robothom saying Chow from de Golden Globe Awards.”
“Dulcimer!….mek sure you get dem hautograph, you ere!”
