Jamaica

http://www.jamaicans.com/culture/msdulciesey/HowDemALookMan.shtml

Ms. Dulcie Sey: “How Dem A Look Man?”

 Well howdy-do hall hoff you ferulaceous people pon radio, T.V. an Hintarnet Land! Ow is haal a huno doing dese fine days? Well, me glad fi report sey, Missa Fowler is back inna haction an a get pon mi custed nerves, has usual. Hexcept, haal now dem no fine de ole relux dem, you heva see mi dyin trial?

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Well howdy-do hall hoff you ferulaceous people pon radio, T.V. an Hintarnet Land!
Ow is haal a huno doing dese fine days?
 
Well, me glad fi report sey, Missa Fowler is back inna haction an a get pon mi custed nerves, has usual. Hexcept, haal now dem no fine de ole relux dem, you heva see mi dyin trial?
 
Tings iz getting very hintresting inna de mail department dough. Me get wan letta from de Judge hof “Data-Rama”. A laugh till me belly-bottom start fi boder mi.
 
L-a-w-d of Mercv lissen me good…………
 
Dear Ms. Dulcimer :
 
I am writing to you about a very frustrating situation I have been involved in. Recently. I have been asked to be the host of the new dating show called, “Data-Rama”. When I first received the script it seemed like an interesting idea, but after filming a few episodes, the show has proved itself to be very preposterous.
 
The show comprises of young women and men in their twenties and thirties looking for love. At first, I thought the show was about good old fashioned courtship. Except, from some of the behind the scenes, hidden footage,  I have seen, it is turning out to be “soft pornography”.
 
How can women be looking for a mate and are so quick to get intimate with them before letting any dust settle. Before the end of each show, these potential Bachelors have “made-out” with all of the girls and have paraded around in the hot-tub with them as well.
 
The next thing that comes to my mind is, the way these young ladies are always scantily clad. They leave nothing for the imagination. Sometimes. I wonder if they forgot their suitcases at the airport.
 
As far as privacy is concerned, most of these women are not mature enough to respect each other’s space. If the men are on dates with other women, they feel the need to spy on them. There is a definite lack of self-confidence and dignity.
 
The whole atmosphere of the show creates unnecessary drama and in my estimation, it is only an opportunity to promote vulgarity and debauchery in the world.
 
Ms. Dulcimer, I truly felt this was a serious show about helping people to connect, however, I think it is a show that will help to corrupt the younger generation.
 
Please provide me with some of your no-nonsense advise which everyone cherishes you for.
 
Best Wishes,
“Caught-up-in -Sodom&Gommorrah”
 
Dear “Caught-up”:
 
Mi very sarry fi ere you problem dem wid dem de debil peple. Iz so funny you shulda did write me juss now.
 
De odder day me was pon de veranda wid Ms. Prangledasha an de two hof we wuz inna hysterical laughta a watch wan a dem datin show.
 
Wan a de gal dem dress hup like a “back foot” den wen de camera tek wan close up, ar heel back dem dry like seven day ole hard-dough bred. Rahted man! Me an Ms. Prangladesha was a mek joke sey she izza human loofa.
 
Den dem have wan nedda wan, wey have fi ar hair like Ginger inna Giligan Hisleland, me hask Ms. Prangledasha hif she get lost, ‘cause she look like wan a dem stow away.
Den wey me no hundastand iz why dem haffi hover hova de man dem like dem a yacht outta Port Royal?
 
Ow dem cyan be lookin far man a no give de  man no chance fi compare dem to de competition?
 
 Dem mus mek de man dem cyan’t liv widdout dem.
 
Ole time Jamaican peple hallways used to sey, “Habsence mek de heart grow fonda.”
 
Dem de gal pickney no give de man no chance fi miss dem. Wen dem pan date wid wan nedder girl, dem a do hall kina hacrobatics fi ketch wey a go on. Dem hinsecure man!
 
You know what me an Ms. Prangledasha no simma pon?
 
 Ow hany man cyan fine a oman who drink like a shark attractive?
 
Me say, sum a dem de girlz could be posta chilren far alcoholic anonymous. Hif you need hall of dat fi be hexciting an hintrestin, den de chap hain’t wort it.
 
What me want fi knoe hiz where dem parents iz when dem a get hall hot an heby inna de hot tub an de jaquezi?
 
‘Cause hif dat was de Ms. Hingrid she, me would go “hall a pull” har hout like a stubbarn bull inna wan bull-pen. Lorks hof mercy! Dat de hevling de, me an Ms. Prangladasha feel so embarrass far de dam girlz dem.
 
‘Cause you knoe sumting?
 
A man iz halways gwey be a man….Hif you dangle saltfish, like wan seal im gwey fall far hit. It dough mean sey im obligated. But imma go haff im fun an frolic time. De wey me sum hup dese show, iz like sey de man and oman  dem get wan free pass fi fun.
 
Dere iz a air of desparation an dese producers seem to capitalize pon it.
 
If I was you “Caught-Up” I would march right inna de Writers and Directors of the show han tel dem sey you run a clean an decent ship, an you wuld happreciate if dem did de same. Den leave de rest to God.
 
Just de odder day me an Ms. Prangledasha was a chat sey, hif me did follow-hup Missa Fowler wid hevry ting im do. Me wuld be hanging pon de Himalaya Mountain hall now.
Dough hask hif him nevva put me through wan hobsticle course.
 
Man an oman cyan’t follow-follow hup each odder, dem will eventually get pon each odder’s nerves.
 
Sumtings are best left to nature…..han nature will tek it’s course.
 
When dat time cum, no power on eart cyan top hit! Yu ere wey me a say? No power but Jah…The God Almighty.
 
Hang in dere “Caught-up”. Till nex time.
 

Dulcimer Peaches Robothom