Howdie-do hall hof mi faithful fans! Ow iz hall uno doin dese days?

Well, it seem like de wul gawn topsy-turvy. Wan good ting dough, hafta mi rally dung a de hairport and de Hembassy dem, Ms. Dulcie hiz appy fi hannounce sey dem tek mi hoffa de "no fly list". Cyan yu himagine......?

Me sey, hafta me tink bout de sitiation, me realize dat me haffi set hexample, dem ya people a violate peple right fi rant, rave an misbehave. Iz like dem tink we hiz aliens widdout any feelins.

Me say, me, Ms. Rangabasang,  Mrs.Hyacinth, Mr. Pringles an Missa Fowler, march trait dung a de Hairport dem, halmost hevry day. We tek we termos wid hot choclate an crackas an siddung right a de resarvation harea, wid we black, green, an gole sign dem, a mek hup naise.

Den lata on, we tek a ride to de hembassy dem an hupset de whole diplomatic core. Lawd hof mercy! We carry hon so, till dem haffi close dung de embassy fi recalleck dem self....eh, eh. Mi an mi fren dem no joke yu nuh. We iz a serious ban a ragamuffin....sometimes doh eh.

Hanyway, hafta dat mi artritis an mi lumbago gey mi hell, but widda likkle bit hof healin' hoil. Ms. Dulcie iz good to go.

Now mi deres mi haff hole heap a letta fi read so ketch hup good....an lissen mi.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer:

I am writing to you about an embarrasing situation I recently experienced with a man I have been co-habitating with for a long while. His niece was getting married and sent him an invitation to attend the wedding. On the invitation she put "Alexander Maxwell and Guest".

My partner, assumed that it would have been alright to bring me as his date for the wedding, after all, we had been living together for several years. As luck would have it, my daughter suddenly came home from boarding school the weekend before the wedding because she was having some woes with her classmates. The poor dear was feeling sad and displaced, so I thought it might have been a good idea if she went to the wedding with us.

I asked Alexander if he could ask his sister if it would be alright. Alexander felt that it had to be alright because when his sister's husband left her 15 years ago, he supported her family until she remarried two years ago. Anyway, I was insistent that he call and ask her, because that was the appropriate thing to do.

He called his sister Clara and explained the circumstances to her, however she told him that it would be okay with her, but he had to run the idea by the Wedding Planner. This made Alexander furious, especially since he gave his niece thousands of dollars towards her dream wedding.

I encouraged him to call the Wedding Planner, despite his ired condition. She reluctantly told him that it was an imposition, but they could make it work.

After hearing the details of the conversation, I became a bit reluctant to attend the occasion with my daughter because I felt awkward, due to their inhospitable responses.

However, Alexander persisted. He did not want to attend the occasion alone, and I certainly was not leaving my depressed, teenaged daughter by herself.

On the day of the wedding we all got dressed up in regal attire and proceeded to the Essex House where the event was being held. The first thing that started on both Alexander's and my nerves was the fact that they did not have ample parking for us. It seemed as if everyone had been assigned a parking space, but we were excluded for some reason. Therefore, we had to park 6 blocks away in a neighborhood that we were not familiar with. Needless to say, walking in three inched heeled, dress shoes is worst than walking on steaming coal in warm weather in India. By the time Alexander, Blayne and I got there we were exasperated.

We freshened up a bit, and then entered the Hall where the nuptials and reception were to be held. Although we arrived early, there seemed hardly any space for either of us to sit. However, we managed to squeeze in on the last pew on the Groom's side of the family.

At the reception, there were no name tags for Alexander or myself, and Blayne was excluded as well. I thought this awfully strange, since I prompted Alexander to call several times to make sure that there would not be a problem.

By this point, Alexander was furious, he sought his sister out and "read her the riot act". She became quite surly, and told Alexander that she did not approve of me, and that my daughter and I were not welcome there. Alexander was besides himself with contempt for his sister, the hypocrisy of her ill treating him, as well as my daughter and I, was too much to for him to bear.

He felt that if she did not want us to attend, then she should have never included the word "Guest" on the invitation or have been more vocal about her feelings. Afterall, I had been dating him for three years, and she has attended several functions at our home.

This was a shock for me because I had no idea the woman and her family despised my child and I.

We did not want to create more of a scene, so we gave the Bride and Groom our present and left.  The whole time we were there, we felt as if we were crashing a party. It was as if we imposed our presence on everyone. There were dirty looks, snares and scoffs. I was humiliated for myself and also for Alexander. My daughter sensed something was wrong, but played along with the theatrics beautifully.

Ms. Dulcie this event has created a rift between Alexander and his family and I do not want to advise him on how to proceed. Please let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Best Wishes,

Shame Like Hell

Dear SLH:

Dougnt feel too bad, you haff sum peple who get a sick satisfaccion from mekin odders feel like cow dung. Mi sarry fi tell yu, but de Halexander's sista is cuttin a fool hoff ar self. She izza snake inna modder-hof-de-bride cloding!

Hafta de bredda elp she an ar fambly so nice, she carry hon wid ar chupidness at de wedding. Yu knoe, me no like get hinna peple bizness, but me tink sey she haff yu hup 'cause she did tink sey de bredda should did elp she an ar pickney heven hafta she married. Yu is a "sore eye" fi she. She maybe tink sey de bredda iz elpin yu an yu pickney, dats why she so stand hoffish wit uno. But iz non a dem bizness weder ar not im iz supportin uno.

Hall de same, iz a shem de wey she mek uno feel like almshouse, like sey uno waz a beg sinthing. An yu poor chile, shuld nevva haffi hexperiance dat. Dat was low-dung an dutty. Hif she didn't wan uno to be dere, she shuld nevva send di bredda a hinvitation or dougnt put "Guest" pon hit. Han hif dem really nevva want uno fi cum, dem could a sey "NO" wen uno did cyall.

Inna my life me ere bout all kina tings, but dis ya sitiation is a direck get back, mix-up, mix-up, roonkos-poonkus. Dem a pay de Halexander back pon fi him dime wid dem bad behavin self.

Hall me haffi sey to yu iz, ignore dem de hignorant peple. Stick to yu fambly an mek dem stick to deres. Juss tell Missa Halexander dat, since de resant developments, yu no feel comfartable wid dem cumin to uno ouse, but hif im wan im cyan go to deres.

No gey dem no more chance fe mek yu an yu pickney feel like dawg inna de gully wata cistern. Dem iz real doggie peple.

Sumtimes de bessa folks cyan be de most vicious an disgustin peple aroun.

Ms. Shame Like Hell, no worry bout Halexander an him sista relationship, dem wil wuk tings hout. Jus proteck yu an yu daughta from dem wranglings.

Ms. Dulcie no like fi ere dem de dutty, nasty dealings, an hif yu write bout dem hagain a gwey see to dem miself. Yu ere mi now! Tek cyare an stay sweet.

By de way, tell Halexander fi hask im sista far a refun...eh,eh, eh.......

Till nex time.

Peace an Blessins

Dulcimer Peaches Robothom