Hi dere mi wandarful fanz, ow is hall hof uno doin? Lorks a mercy, the yeir just a run hoff so quick, before uno knoe hit, it will be Chrismass. Bwoy iz true wey dem sey, yu no fi rush yu life 'cause time fly quicka dan uman beins. Me no knoe hiff mi get de sayin right but it go sumting like dat.

Hanyway, Ms. Dulcie juss tekin tings easy in a JA, me a do wanna dem Staycation tings wey dem talk bout inna de magzine dem. Me no feel like hackle hup miself fi go a Etiopia an visit Hingrid, so me tell ar sey she mus cum wid de bebe an stay wid mi far a few weeks. She waz hovajoyed 'cause de custed Yehuda a get pon ar nerves, im no wan elp ar wid de bebe, all day long im a run street like lego beast. Fi im nabel string mussey tie-hup inna de miggle hof de road.

Hanyhow, meybe de likkle res will do ar good. So de pass few days me a rung roun de place like dem mad oman a buy dis and dat, fi she an de likkle pickney. Me nevva did knoe sey a so bebe tings hexpensive, mi halmos did haffi hauction hoff Missa Fowler fi pay fi de tings dem.......Heh, Heh......what a sitiation do eh?

Hall de sem, iz yearz since me did bring Hingrid, an time change plenty since den. Dem a hask fi a king ramsom fi teeny-tiny bebe sinthing......Cho! Dem too fulla foolishness. Hafta de Hingrid an ar pickney leff Ms. Dulcie will be drinkin porridge an cocanot wata fi dayz......

Well, mi deres mi haff wan hole heap a letta mi get from as far as Hiceland, I guess dem mussey clear wey de debris so heverybadie need Ms. Dulcimer far direccion inna dem life. De hinflacion iz bringin good bizness far me. Praise de lord!!

Me haffi tell huno strait dough, wan lady write mi wan letta dat me no so keen pon, 'cause she soung like wann dem de racist, high class lady, hanyhow, bizness is bizness, so me a go mek uno ere de letta. Uno cyan hail up Ms. Dulcie wid uno remark dem......

Dear Miss Dulcimer Robothom:

(southern drawl)

I aam what you may call a Southern Belle, I aam from one of the finest families in the Charleston area. My Granddaddy was  the owner of a fine tobacco estate called "Sugar Loaf". I don't like to brag or boast Ms. Dulcimer, but we are quite "well to do" folk. So you must understand my displeasure in writin about this subject.

Our town has been in an uproar since this lady called Lucretia Simpson came to town. Ever since she rolled into Charleston in her delapidated buggy, she calls a car, the whole town has been up in arms. Her hair is fiery red and she speaks with a revoltin accent. Most of the time we don't even understaand what she's tryin to say.

What's real strange, is that she wears all this fancy jewellry and finery and she's always going on about all these hifalootin places she's been to. What is this "hotsie-totsie" woman doin in our neck of the woods? We invited her to bake cakes for our Annual Fundraiser, and she snubbed us Ms. Dulcimer, she didn't even reply to our invitation.  Who the heck does she think she is?!!!

Ms. Dulcimer we at the Charleston Ladies Auxiliary, don't take kindly to that sort of behavior or element, we don't believe a word of her stories. We think she's just tryin to impress us, so we will like her.

The truth is, we find her an eye sore, she's always showin up at our exclusive places like the Country Club, the Barron's Ball and the Yacht Club in that horrific , monstrosity of a car. She insists that she is from a noble family but Ms. Dulcimer we have followed her around for several months and have found her family to be quite common.

I dare say, that there is nothing special or noteworthy about this damsel or her clan.

You know, Ms. Dulcimer people in our parts don't take kindly to attractive women weasling their way into our Society. So she has forced our hands to put an end to all her shenanigans. The board and I have decided to clip her wings.

I had the mechanic on Grover Street disable her car permanently, so there will be no more trailing up and down town by this little Ms. Hussey. We just know she's up to no good and is just looking for an opportunity to weasel into our lives an family. We just can't have that. We have a certain way that we live and she is just upsettin our paradigm.

Everything was fine after we left her stranded. The town returned to normal, everyone was julbilant that she was not able to come around. Then, my "do-gooder" brother found out what we had done, and has been threatenin to report us. I dare say, Ms. Dulcie, this will cause a great embarrasment for our community and I just can't allow that. We are having a town meetin to decide what we should do with dear "Boomer" because he is intent on bringing us all down.

I would be much obliged if you could give me some sound advice. Thank yew.

Raven Delamoore

Dear Ms. Raven:

Mi feel sarry far yu an yu peple dem, uno seem like sey uno no get hout much. De wul iz a big, big place fil hup hof all kina peple. Why shuld wan simady bodder uno?

Hit seem to me dat dere might be a green monster amung uno. By de way, uno sey de gal nayam Lucretia Simpson?

an she haff red, red hair. Mi knoe ar.

De wul is a simall place do eh?

Dat iz Missa Mallard pickney. Yu knoe Mallard Beach Resort hall ova de wul?  She iz de wan dat dem cyal "Lizzie" hafta Elizabeth Taylor. She married bout 10 times, a bit strange an heccentric, but she cum from a good fambly. 

So mek me see if me ketch yu drif good. Uno cyan stand ar cause she no hact hoity-toity like hall a uno, an she no drive wan fancy cyar? Well, I'll be giggar-gaggard!

Dat's de fus wan far me.

Uno sey uno is "well-to-do" peple, but from wey Ms. Dulcie sittin, uno iz not doin too well hif uno bein prejudice.

Hatleas wan a uno haff sum sense, heven hif im nyam is "Boomer". May Boomer be uno waterloo.

A jus de odder day me wuz inna Seattle an me see Bill Gates a drive rung inna wan likkle teeny, tiny ole fiat. Me ere wen a man hask im why im drivin dat cyar, yu know wey im sey, "I'm trying to save on gas, and I'm not putting any wear and tear on my expensive cars. Besides, if they steal my car in the city it's no big deal."

and dat iz BILL GATES......coo pon uno!

Mek mi tell yu sinthing, dat gal cyan buy an sell hall hof uno. Yu a talk bout yu Grandaddy haff plantation. Mr. Mallard cyan put fi yu plantation inna wan a him hotel dem. Yu ere mi!!

Uno no want ar fi go a uno fancy place dem, but uno a hask ar fi cook far uno!

Me glad sey she nevva haff no mannars an hanser uno. 'Cause personally mi wud dishown ar as a Jamaican oman.

Hif fi ar muma heva knoe sey uno behine ar daughta troubles, a feel sarry far uno. She iz wan havashark from Russia,

dem haff it rumour fi sey she cum from a fambly of Czars. Dem control mos a Europe.

Dat's de ting wid us Jamaicans, yu nevva knoe where we might show hup! An we hallways not lookin far nuttin. We haff nuff fi hoffer. We no cum fi dig far gole or drill fi aile.

Furdermore, fi ar haccent is a Jamaican mixe wid Russian haccent , tank yu very much!

Wid all due respeck, Ms Raven, a tink yu peple is houta horder fi mess hup de oman cyar an leff ar stranded. Wey uno fraida.....?

Uno fraid sey she a tek wey uno usban? Mek mi tell yu sinthing, no oman cyan tek yu man, hunless him wan fi go. So uno no haffi worry bout she...She nevva tell uno sey she married ten times?  Han each usban richa dan de nex wan...

So hexcuse me, but inna Jamaican me haffi sey, "Uno clear hoff, dat is houta hordaness an a shame!"

Uno no haff nuttin betta fi do but watch a stoochie young gal rung roung de place. Like dem sey inna Merka, "Get a life will ya!!"

Me iz very hupset bout dese developments 'cause me cyan believe inna dis modern time dat folks cyan get haway wit such shemful an disgraceful behavior.

Tanks far de letta, but a hafffi tell uno dat a levin uno to GOD!  'Cause uno owe dat gal pickney an apology an a car hor helse uno nevva gonna haff peace in uno soul.....Iz ongly de merciful redeemer gweyin elp uno.

Me heart is grievin mi, fi knoe sey, peple is so simple minded. But to revolt gainst a gal 'cause she fancy shmancy

an no wan tun baker far uno......Dat is de height hof RIDICULUSNESS!

Till nex time,

Dulcimer Peaches Robothom

P.S. By de way, we Jamaican omen, cyan elp hour hotness, it is natral. We bawn spicy!!!!!!

Tags: Ms. Dulcie: "Dem a revolt pon di fancy, schmancy gal"