Hello Dere dis is Ms. Dulcimer Robothom, writing to yu from Beverly Hills inna Jamaica. Can you himagine? Me a hob nob wid de elite inna Jamaica. Hif yu eva see de luxuriuos house dem, you wudda fall down. Big helluva pool dem to backfoot and jacuzzi. Hevry yard have wan Beemer an wan Benz. Dis is we de rich an famus live inna Jamaica. Uno tink sey a unno wan a Merca can have Beverly Hills? No my dear, Jamaicans have dem hown Richie Rich paradise.

Hanyway, de reason mi inna de Hills is because mi lang time fren Hartence write mi wan letta sey, she sublet har house to wan man and de man keep de yard like alms house. Tru mi inna har neighborhood me a go write har wan letta back, and drop it inna har mailbox.
Mi nevva did know sey a Hartense did write me. Is wen mi look pon de address, me realize sey a mi good, good fren. Can you himagine? Here is de letta:

Dear Dulcimer:

I own a very large home in Beverly Hills, Jamaica and I recently subletted the house to a man and his family. When I made the arrangements it was with a Yuppie gentleman and his wife. After a few months, I realized that a Rastaman and his friends have taken over the house. They have planted all sorts of herbs, in what used to be my lovely hibiscus garden. Every time I go there, clothes are hanging on the front porch drying. Then I am usually intoxicated by the overwhelming aroma of weed. Lately, they are using zinc bath pans to make calypso music in the backyard. Ms. Dulcimer, this is a very ritzy neighborhood and I don't think that I can endure my house being handled in this manner any longer. Please give me some advice.

Sincerely,
Ired by The Rastaman & Co.

Dear Ired by The Rastaman:

I recognize yu name and haddress. Ar yu de lady who did haf wan store near Solos Market? Mi did ere sey yu did win de pica-pow wan lang time ago. If you are. Is me, Dulcie Robothom! Mi used to come inna yu shop fi get change.
In dose days mi did haf wan sky juice stand pon di havenue. Mi glad to know sey yu move hup inna de world. Hi ham so sarry dat yu haffi go tru dis experiance.

Tell di man sey dis is not "Mary Poppins Shoppe" so tap heng clothes pon yu fence. Mi knoe sey Rastafarianhism is a religion but why dem hafi smoke de weed? No man! Dats too much liberty takin. Tell dem fi stop hat once, har yu gwey report dem to the authorities. A tink dat will cool dem hoff fi a second. Rastas are usually very peaceful people, dem jussa test dem self. Mi no knoe if de weed gone to dem brain, but why demma plant herb inna yu yard do eh? Dem mussy jain de Agricultural Society.

Next time yu go deh, Tek yu gaadner an mek im pull hup hevry wan a de stems dem. Dem can go buy terra cotta pot at de gaaden store and plant dem inna dem bedroom. Lord Ms. Hartence yu really have de junjo pon yu. We dem a play zinc pan inna yu gaaden far? Dem mussy tink dem is Burning Spear? Tell dem dat dem betta stop burning de weed and makin naise wid de pan dem, or helse you will be running after dem wid a spear.

Dis is custed foolishness! Ms. Hartence, I believe dem capture yu yard! It is a bakkle fi get it back from dem. Yu may haf to draw hup wan peace treaty. Well, hif all helse fails dress-up like Bob Marley and try to reason wid dem, or betta yet, jain de band. Who knows? Yu might jus get dem out dat way. Dis is a ruff sitiation. Hany how, mi haffi go, because me ere sey rolling calf de pon de loose on Mountainview Road. Tek care, till nex time.

Ms. Dulcie, yur fren