It's Ms Dulcie again, shouting out to you folks from Dunn's River Falls. Me no know what inspia mi fi go climb dem ya falls, but se ere. Me poor body jus a tremble 'cause de rock dem is very slippery. Hanyhow, me manage fi reach de top an I ham so exilirated dat me haffi top an eat wan sangwich. A nice sangwich to, bulliebeef wid scotch bonnet peppa and a nice thermos a milo. As me a go tru mi knapsack, me no fine wan letta we mi did pick up inna haste from de post office.

Dear Ms. Dulcie:

I am writing to you because some of my colleagues have referred me to your articles on jamaicans.com. It seems that you have an excellent reputation for giving great advice. I am a fellow writer for the website and I desperately need your help. My grandmother died and left her house in Jamaica for her children to take care of. They rented the house to a middle aged man who seemed like he would have been a good caretaker.

Well, Ms. Dulcie, the man has managed to turn my granny's house into a tenement yard. He has used zinc pieces for partitions in order to create additional space. He has rented all these additional rooms that he has sloppily created, and has kept all the profits that he made for himself. He has even gone as far as drafting a phony will stating that my granny left him the property when that is definitely not true and a fraud!

This man honestly thinks he is a Jamaican Donald Trump. He has used the land on my Granny's property for storage, anything that can make him a profit he has explored the possibilities. Except, it is not his property to capitalize on. The house belongs to my dearly departed Granny and her children!

Every time we go there to collect rent from him, he brazenly denies owing any, and brags about how much money he has made at the expense of our family.

How can this man have champagne and caviar wishes at my grandmother and grandfather's expense? I know that they are more than turning in their graves.

We have tried several ways of asking him to leave, however, he just doesn't seem to get the hint. Besides, he has gone all over Jamaica telling people that the property belongs to him. That is a lie and a fraud! Ms. Dulcie, how can he get away with this piracy. This house, although old and dilapidated, was once part of my Grandmother's legacy and I am saddened to know such vultures exist in our society today. Please help!

Sincerely,

Margaret Brown-Bailey

(The Granny Articles)

Dear Ms. Brown-Bailey,

It's such a hona to have one a mi colleagues write to me. I cyant tell yu how it is a blessin. By de way are you hany relation to Mr. Brown who was part of de Police Commission inna Jamaica? If so, me tink me know yu.

Mi dear, uno have junjo pon ono! De man is wan parasite an im a try fi tek ova uno sinthing. Him is vying to be wan slum landlord, de only problem is, de proparty no belong to him. Dis man is a real "maccabraca" do eh?

Hall uno haffi do is get wan Constable go a de property an shoob im hout. Mek dem inform all de people who tek hup residence dere, dat dem haffi leave cause it was rented illegally.

Me no hunderstand how im no have no shame. A big ole man like im should know better.

See here, mi know wan lady inna Jamaica we can raise up yu granny spirit pon im an mek im run left de house like sey im ere fresh news. Sumtimes yu haffi get real raw chaw wid summa dese ignorant people an mek dem hunderstand dat yu mean business. De only odder suggestion we mi have, is, get wan bulldozer from the Hagricultural Society and just give him notice sey yu a go mow down hevry ting soon. A bet yu im will fly right an start hact narmal. Mi will cyall de Constable General fi yu down a Half-Tree an mek him have wan good stern chattin wid im. Alright.

Halso , remember dat God will tek cyare a him. Tunda and brimstone will strike im down far bein so deseptive.

Mek me knoe how tings work out. Tek cyare mi luv. A will look farward to reading yu harticle next month.

I remain your colleague,

Ms. Dulcimer Robothom

P.S. Mr. Man hif yu a read dis ya harticle me say fi ge de people dem back dem land han money!