Hello out dere! How are hall hof you? Well, me is so confuse ova me Chrismas list. Me no knoe we fi give me gran pickney dem, han me haffi give Ms. Dorcas somethin nice cause she hallways rememba me com holiday time. Hanyhow, me a go to Los Angeles pon wan vacation, me needlepoint club win a trip far raising de most money far de school chilren dem. But see ya! Me cyant wait fi go pon de plane. Rahted! Me a travel fus class, lawd me knoe sey me a go see some celebrite dem. A gwey wear me bes carnival suit an mi platfarm shoes. Me a go look boss! Los Angeles is were dem have hall a de beautiful people dem. Me a go show dem dat Jamaicans cyan pop style to. So let's get dis show hon de road 'cause me no haf much time fi skylark wid uno. Me haffi go a Papeen fi see hif me cyan fine wan fabulos pair a dork glasses. De mini-van leave soon so let's chat quick.

Me get wan letta today from a oman who seem to be a bit nosy, but hall de same hoo am Hi to judge.
She cyall harself de Germ Vigilante.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robotham:

I am writing to you because I met this Jamaican woman who is so skinny she looks like a malnourished drug addict. Now, I am not one to complain about people, but she is so skinny and she eats like a horse. The only thing I can think of is that she is either a drug addict, or a recovering alcoholic. I have also seen her talking to all sorts of guys, so I think she might be promiscuous. She is so hyper and dramatic, everything she makes into a big ordeal. Is that the way of your people, or is this an isolated situation? Anyway, I was talking to some people at my Gardening Club, and they told me that she might be stricken with Aids. My goodness gracious! To think that I have eaten at her home and socialized with her, is very frightening. There ought to be some law protecting us from those kinds of people.

I often ask her, why she is so skinny but she just laughs it off and says she's always been that way. I remember her being thin, but it just seems over the past few years she has began too look emaciated and unhealthy. My friends and I have decided to avoid her, because we really don't know what diseases she could be harboring. We have also alerted others to stay away from her as well, because simply, who knows what you might get?

I hope you don't think me a snob for writing such a candid letter, but I just had to confide in someone. You being Jamaican and all, it seemed like you would understand the situation better than I. Take care Ms. Dulcimer and Power To Your People!

Germ Vigilante

Dear Ms. G V:

I gwey tell yu what a tell de odder people. I'm making dis short an sweet 'cause a haf a plane fi ketch. My dere I don't know why de gal mawga. Why do you tink sey she mawga? I don't tink sey yu a go like mi response, but at dis point I am runnin hout of patience wid people who tink like you. Is really none hof yar business if de gal is mawga an mek hup naise like a chihuahua. Maybe de poor ting is anorexic or maybe she has a serius organic ailment. Why would yu go from skinny, to tinking she is Haids infested? That is such a low and vicious remark for hanyone to mek. Yu knoe in some exotic parts hof de worl mos a de people tink yu can never be too skinny or too rich. Maybe she is one of dose folks in disguise?
Talking bout Haids so impersanally also deumanizes anyone suffering from the disease. Yu haf made uself look very hignorant. Tap chat people business wid yu fren dem. De same way yu a chat people business, dem a chat fi yu too!

To be very onest wit yu a tink sey yu too fast an yu should mine yu hown business. Hif yu wuz so cancerned bout disease an germ yu would be trying to find a cure. I wud bet mi harse crackers sey, you are wan a dose folks who don't get out too much and cast assumptions on odder people. Get a life! Volunteer or do somethin useful.

You mentioned dat since I ham from Jamaica, I would hunderstand. Yes I would! We Jamaicans wud probably boil a pot of goongo peas soup and a pot of corn meal porridge and give ar to drink hevry day. Hif dat didn't work, we would pray far har and gey ar sum bush tea fi drink. Very seldomly would we come to such a rash decision that she is disease ridden. Me dear may God haf mercy pon yu, cause yu seem to live a shallow life wid shallow friends.

De way hof my people is to deter people who don't hunderstan hour way from brukkin it dung. Hevryting yu sey, is not fact, it's a thaut. In school we used to sey, "Sometime yu think till yu stink."

I would hate far yu to turn into wan skunk. Mi Hauntie Loopie halways tell me sey, "Hempty vessels mek de most naise."

Does dat strike a cord madam? By de way, my people haf hall de power dem need.

Tek care and I will pray far you.

Ms. Dulcimer Robothom