Dear folks how all of yu feeling dese days. Well, mi tiad fe read de newspaper. Lawd! It mek me feel so dam forlorn. Between de Scott Peterson situation, de missing chilren and dat actor from Baretta. I am in wan custed, wretched state of melancholia. Why dem cyan haf good news sumtime. A tink dem jus fine lousy news fe tell peple, so de psychiatris dem cyan get rich, rich, rich!
Me no knoe why de peple dem cyan behave dem self. Cho man! Dem haffi gwan betta dan dat! Das why hi ham so glad a haf unno fe talk wid. So, mek we chat likkle bit.
Well, me get wan letta fram a henglish oman who live inna Spain. Not honly did she write me, but see ya! She cyall me too. She soun so sweet like wan likkle lark. Wait til yu ere bout fe har dilema.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robothom:

I am an English born Jamaican woman. Meaning, that I was born in England, raised in Jamaica, and most recently I have been living in Espana (Spain), for approximately five years now. I am an International Linguist, so my work takes me all over the world. Most recently, I was in a small southern province conducting some seminars. It was the most grueling and frustrating experience for me. I was helping to translate some spanish documents to english verbally. The individuals I was working with, kept saying they could not understand me, and that I spoke incorrect english. Whenever I used the microphone, specifically to enunciate my words, they said I sounded uneducated and muffled. This was quite a shock to my ego, because all this was revealed to me after the seminar. Therefore, I had no way of defending my position. I suspect this was a tactic for them not to pay me. Because as it turned out, I never received payment for my several months of translations at their Institute. Ms. Dulcimer, I am not a braggart, but I speak the Queen's English. I attended the finest Prep Scools in Jamaica, I was educated at Oxford University, went to charm school at Countessa de Lamborghesi's Finishing School for Women in Italy, learned the art of fine cuisine and cooking at the Sorbonne' in France, and studied twelve languages at the Berlitz School of Languages in Germany.
I am perplexed as to why these people would act so unprofessionally and resort to such "lowly" tactics.
My first thought was "bullocks!" this must be a joke, But surely, I found out these remarks were meant to be an assassination of my competence and professionalism. Please give me some advice in how to counteract these horrid accusations.

Sincerely,
Prim and Promper under scrutiny

Dear Ms. PPus my Chile:

Lek mi see hif me hunderstan yu properly, Yu wuk far dese peple han hafta yu wuk fi dem so hard. Dem start fi sey dem no hunderstan yu, an how yu soun hunheducated to dem? In odder words, dem a try fe sey yu soun like yu have pig knuckles clench inna yu teeth. Heh! Dem his game playars! Heh! heh! Me haffi laugh because dem a crosses peple. Darling, you are more dan bonafide and qualified fe play inna de big leagues! When yu did cyall mi pon de phone , me henjoy fe listen to yu haccent. Yu vaice so sweet an soothin. Me coulda lissen to hall day. Heven if yu was a cuss me hout an chat chupidness. Yu soun so polish an lovely. Mek me tell yu, is not hevry body glad fe see wan likkle "mutt" a run wile inna de professional arena. Dem feel threatened. De honly way dem coulda overchhrow yu, was fi try bring yu down.
But lissen to me! Yu issa chile hof God, and when God put yu pon yu throne, No power but God cyan tek yu down to de gutter! Remember dat!
Doughnt worry yuself bout dem nasty remarks. Dem sins will ketch up wid dem! Continue to be the wanderful person yu are. Decent and respectable peple WILL notice yu fine qualities and breeding. Mek dem almshouse peple gwey from yu. Halso, report dem to de authorities far not paying yu. Dem is a set a criminals!
You knoe mi luv, is not hevry body who seem respectable his. Sumtime de finest and greatest is de most rambunctious and jinally individuals. Pray to yu God and you will see de wanderful works im perfarm. Stay lovly, prim and proper.

Ms. Dulcie