Greetings my fellow readers! I'm writin' to you all, while I prepare for mi independence day extravaganza. Mi sey, Jamaica Hindependence Day, nice cyan done. You mus see de fabulocious floats and fussy houtfits dem wey dem put on. Mi dears, it is a good time far all. Aldoa me here sey Merkan dem have whole heap a stocious hactivities fi dem hindependence. Mi kina partial to Jamaica hall de same. One lady tell me sey, uno mek up naise wid fire crackers till all de folks dem get def. Lord haf mercy! Me an Ms. Cassia Park coulda nevva partake 'cause we hard a hearing already. But see here! Mi haffi ge de Merkans dem big praise 'cause ono do hevryting wid a big splash!

Uno is halways top a de lis when it com to technalagy. Dat's why de pickney dem so bright. Merkan pickney no daf an fool-fool 'cause dem haf all de knowledge we dem cyan fine pon de intarnet. Dat's why me feel so sarry far dis oman who write me bout ar daughta dem. Listen good to dis ya letta.

Dear Ms. Dulcie:

You may know me through my professional endeavors, I am the Right Honorable Constance Bartholomew. I am Jamaica's Special Envoy to Argentina. I know you must be wondering why a woman of my stature has resorted to writing you about my two daughters. However, as you may know, I have extensive experience with Foreign Policy and International Relations, but when it comes to my children, I admit, I am a blithering idiot.

I have been a long time reader of your articles and I find your practical approach to life and situations exhilarating and comforting at the same time. It reminds me of when I was a young girl going to school in Jamaica. The nuns always gave us practical and effective advice. Somehow, living abroad for so long has clouded my judgement when dealing with my children and their affairs.

Most recently I picked up the phone to make a call and I overheard my ten year old, Elise on the phone sweet-talking to a fellow male classmate. The young gentleman said, "I want to get to know you more intimately." He's only at the "ripe" age of eleven years old. I tell you Ms. Dulcimer, I nearly had a stroke.

All I could do to end the conversation was set off the fire alarm in the house and that sent everyone shrieking into the main dining area. My problem was only solved temporarily. Now I have resorted to using my position and influence to have my home phone tapped so that I can keep abreast of this premature relationship. The whole cloak and dagger scenario is turning me into a nervous Nellie. Not to mention it's running amuck on the national budget.

If that was not bad enough my nine year old, Liza came sauntering into the music room yesterday wearing tons of make-up, a halter-top and hot pants. I asked her if she was feeling alright, however, she quickly discounted my fears by telling me that she's practicing to be a video vixen. Whatever that is?

I am in a mental stupor as you can imagine. I don't understand what has gotten into my children. At first, I thought it was the Nanny, she's a young girl in her twenties, who lives a very Bohemian lifestyle. I thought, maybe my children were too young to be exposed to such "open-mindedness". So I quickly promoted her to my assistant and hired a more mature woman. Since then, the children's behavior has not improved. They go to private school so I'm quite sure that they are monitored for risque' patterns. Perhaps I am travelling too much and I need to spend more quality time with them?

Their father seems to think " I'm off my rocker" and I need to give them space to mature into well-adjusted teenagers. Ms. Dulcimer, my work takes me all over the globe, however, some things stay the same no matter where you go, and that is, children. If you don't train them right from they are little, the problem only festers and grows into a great big sore.

I refuse to be the politician with the "wayward daughters" as dinner discussions in my inner circle. Please help me ! I'm at my wit's end.

Respectfully yours,

Rt. Honorable Constance Bartholomew

Dear Honorable Ms. Bartholomew:

Yu haff yu han dem full! Your girl chilren dem is sufferin fram "force ripedness". Nowadays, no matta how yu watch, watch de pickney dem, wid television an dem peers, de girl chile dem maturin very fast.

Sumtimes, is when dem go a school, dem "knock head" wid de odder chilren and dem start fi hact up.

It no matta sey dem a go a private school, far dem pickney is de most restricted, so dem haffi mek up fi lost time.

My hadvice to you is, fi keep dem at home an home school dem, at least fi a likkle while. Just till dem get all dat worldly stuff outta dem system. You halso haffi monitor we dem a watch pon de T.V. Nowadays, all dese music videos is just showing de likkle girls dem to be "hoochie-koochie mommas" and de likkle boys dem fi be gangstas or "mac daddys". Yu right fi be upset, afta yu no want fi be wan granmada before yu time.

Yu haffi nip it in de bud now! If I wuz yu a would speak to Elise's likkle fren parents an tell dem bout de love talk dem havin. Maybe, togather you all cayan stop it wthout creating too much trauma far dem. Dem is too young for all dat love-dovey stuff, dem need to be consantrating pon dem school work. Romance and de books don't mix.

As far Ms. Liza, I tink she's trying to get your attention, so it wouldn't be a bad idea if yu start fi curtail yu schedule a bit. Dem grow so fas, and before yu know it , dem get force ripe. Mature before dem time. You really want to be dere hevery tep along de way. Betta dem get firs han infarmation fram yu, instead of from wan likkle jezebel inna de school yard. 'cause wance dem go awry, is real hard fi reel dem back in.

Maybe, you might want to tink bout not being such a Special Envoy far Jamaica, and be a special parent to yur children. Jusssa taught.....

Anyhow, if all helse fails rememba to pray. Prayer changes hevryting. Tek care till nex time. May God Bless yu!

Dulcimer Robothom