Folks, it's me Ms. Dulcie! I just get back from Las Vegas, me go de fi try mi luck wid de slot machine dem, but mi dear chilren dem de machine hav sinting wrong wid dem. Me use wan hole heap a quarters inna dem, de blasted machine mek up so much naise and all me get back was five dollars. It cyant heven buy me a buffet lunch at de Hexcalibur. What a bodderation!

Den hevry wey me go de people dem dress up like Elvis an Marilyn Monroe, sometimes me tink sey me inna one Bradway Show, at hany moment me hexpeck de people dem fi bruck hout inna song and dance. No laugh! Is a serious ting when sociaty is wan big stage. Dats why me luv mi likkle Jamaica so, 'cause de people dem may be behind de times, but mos a de times dem seem "narmal".

So, me lef Vegas wid sum sort a suvenir dem, and me decide fi treat mi self to wan fus class seat pon de aeroplane. Wan lady who look like a blinkin peacock wid a big fedda hat pon ar head and some stringy-stringy sumting pon ar, no wan tek me on. She chat bout me tek up har seat wid me big lobadocious self. Well, if I neva go visit Solas Market wid ar. I tun de aeroplane inna wan tracing match. Me jus kinely tell har sey she shudda check in ar big ole fedda hat at the baggage department, and she betta go hask de air hostess fi wan blanket fi clothe ar body. "Cause me no really wan see ar constitution a heng hout.

De nex ting me knoe she tart bawl sum crocodile tears. She say, "I am a dancer for The Vegas Review and I'm on my way to audition in Jamaica."

I just hanswer har, "Good far yu, now jus dance yu way hout a mi way and may God Bless You."

She tek hup ar sinting dem and storm hoff fi go sit side a wan ole man, de poor man start cough and sneeze from ar Fedda dem. Lord have mercy! Fuss class is a real joke. All me get fi eat is two likkle shrivel up peanuts, sum chips dat look like dem circulation top hoff. Den fi polish de starvation off dem gimme wan microwaved piece a cloth fi wipe mi han. Yu eva hear anyting go so?

I am so glad to be talking to all of you. Well after my hencounter wid dis chicklet me decide fi read wan letta fram wan girl inna New Yark.

Dear Ms. Dulcie:

I have become such a fan of yours. I am writing to tell you of my horrors of dealing with a female "friend".

This woman who calls herself Mallory befriended me at a point in my life when I was recuperating from a broken heart. She came on strong with her tales of finding me a new beau.

Being young and naive, I must admit I was a bit impressed by her portrayal of her picture perfect life and promises of helping me to get over my woes. She offered to match me with a male friend of hers, who has a liking for her, however, she did not feel the same way. At first, I was a bit apprehensive about being in such a precarious situation. But after meeting the person and finding out more about the circumstances of their relationship. I decided to give the guy a chance.

Well, we had one date and it went well and then we started dating more frequently. Mallory would ask me about my dates and when I started telling her it went well, she would go off into stories of how crazy this guy was about her and how he is still in love with her. I started thinking, so why let me meet him if he is so "hung up" on you?

I told another friend about the situation and they advised me not to discuss my relationship with her any longer, because she didn't wish me well. I started thinking, that she probably set me up with this guy hoping things would flop, so he could see how wonderful she truly was. I guess she miscalculated.

Time passed, and my male friend saw her at a business luncheon and casually mentioned he was still seeing me. Well, she became furious!

Mallory accosted me and told me that I betrayed her and that I was not appreciative. I was very upset at her accusations. Because I felt that if she was a decent person, she would not keep recounting the fact that this guy was "strung out" on her. It confused me, because she was engaged at the time, so I was not quite sure what her angle was. The whole thing just seemed to devalue any relationship we had. She carried on so terribly about the whole thing, that I just stopped going out with him and I stopped being friends with her.

I felt as if I were caught up in a game that I did not know the rules for. Ms. Dulcie, what do you think of the situation?

Sincerely,

"Duped"

Dear " Duped":

Dis was a cat and mouse game that you were a part of. Dis was ar wing man, you knoe de man yu hav waiting in de wings in case yu relationship no wuk out de way yu hexpeck it was goin to. Howeva, she underhestimated your chalm and grace, she was a dangle yu like wan carrot fi keep him hook pon ar line.

I tink yu ar well rid hof de boat of dem, 'cause if him did understan de history of fi dem relationship, wey him gawn go braodcast sey him a still se yu. Him fi hush him mouth. Unless, him was a try fi mek ar jealous.

Mek dem play cat an mouse wid ar hexpected spouse. Yu did de right ting. Move on!

Men ar like de sunshine, dey may be hidin but dem halways shine thru heventually. Praise God yu wuz smart enuff fi jump ship befor tings got real boisterous. Tek care, til nex time.

Dulcimer Robothom