Hi dere mi loyal fans. Well hif it wasn't far unno me wudda neva did reach dis far. Lawd! Look we me live fi see. Me, Ms. Princess Peaches Dulcimer Robothom, a tep hout a wan fancy motor car ana wear wan fancy gown mek by Vivienne Tam. Mi nevva did knoe are name before, but thru dem wear tam inna Jamaica, mi tink sey she was wanna dem ital sistas you know? So mi ge ar a bly. What a way de gown fit mi boss! Me look like a true star. If Ms. Alouwecious could a see me now.

But wait, all now me no tell unno sey me a go a de Caribbean Award Show inna Hollywod. Yes, Ms. Princess, Peaches Dulcimer Robothom get wan gilded invitation fi attend. Jesus, Christmas! Mi na sleep till de event tek place. Me cyant heven cansantrate good.

Hanyhow mek mi read de letta dem wey a gimme notoriety. I tink it is happropriate fi talk bout dis lady letta. Wait wan minute,she call ar self Princess Elizabeth. Dis muss be a joke, me no tink sey a Princess Elizabeth from Rockingham Palace, all de same mek we ere we she haffi sey. Me name Princess to, but unno knoe sey mi is Princess a labrish. Come, mek we talk good.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer:

I am writing to you because I am beyond frustration with the lack of consideration for my family's privacy. We have several engagements that we have to attend during the year, and lately Ms. Dulcimer, it has become absolutely impossible to accomplish these tasks due to the Papparazzi. They camp out at the Palace at night waiting for all sorts of gossip. They harrass our household staff for private information, and the most grueling injustice of all, is that they haunt us whenever we are in transit to any occasion.

They treat us as if we are wild animals, they have a disregard for our safety as a human beings.

My entire family is reluctant to leave the house because, since Princes Diana's death, we have realized that these individuals do not possess a conscience and will stoop to the "lowest" action to get a photo opportunity.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am Princess Elizabeth, daughter of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Anastasia. You migfht be wondering why I haven't had a chat with the "Grey Suits" about the harrassment, but it seems as if all complaints fall on deaf ears. Ms. Dulcimer I have received information from a very authentic source that your column has become quite influential among the "movers and shakers" of our society.

I am making an earnest plea to you to join us in helping to put an end to the harrassment of the Papparazzi for good. It is a gross violation of our civil rights as human beings. Laws need to be made and these individuals need to respect the laws that govern them.

Ms. Dulcimer, the entire sovereign family is counting on you to really "lambasta" these poor, degenerate sods. For Heaven's sake! We are entitled to a little peace and quiet contentment.

May God Bless You!

I will await the wave of changes you will send this way.

Sincerely,

HRH Princess Elizabeth

Dear Your Most Gracious and Royal Highness Princess Elizabeth:

I am so honored to receive wan letta from yu. Mi did tink sey it was Ms. Ana daughta did a write me fi joke. But when mi see de Royal Seal, mi blood pressure reach de roof tap wid hexcitement. All dis ya good fartune is making me very woozy. A gwey sit dung an continue fi write mi letta.

Well dem custed, ungrateful, tun-coat dem is outta horder! Hiff it wasn't far unno, dem wuddn't did have wan job. Weh dem a fallow fallow yu fa, all ova de place? Hall dem need is wan good photo fi put pon de newspapa and dat's hit.

I'm sure yu wouldn't mine givin dem one or two pichtas, but dem wan a whole photo album.

Dem a try fi get pon yu family tree or what?

Mek me tell yu, when me did ere bout Princess Diana, the fus ting wey mi sey is she too ladylike. If she did carry a gallon or two a turpentine inna ar trunk and trow pon dem, dem wouldn't bodder ar again. All yu see, when she was a go thru de tunnel inna Paris if she did carry sum fire crackers an go poppppopppopp!!!! pon dem. Yu woulda see mawga leg run like dem see a duppy. No man, yu haffi tek yu ladyship sometime an wrapp it inna brown paperbag an get reall dutty wid incansidarate people.

Far instance, when dem cum too near tu yu, carry a box a camphor balls inna you handbag , especially like how yu hallways a carry wan big one. When dem cum up side a yu, have fun and pellet dem likkle demons wid it. Annoder good ting fi do, is carry some kerosene wid yu inna zinc pan and put a likkle in a spray bokkle. When dem get too close sparay dem widdit. If dem step houtta bounds, hoffa dem sum Benson and Hedges or Craven 'A"......You get mi drift?

Jus mek sure sey yu wear yu trak shoes dat dey so you can tek hoff fassa dan lightning.

Nobady wan fi s-m-e-l-l like eau-de-kerasene.

I am so blinkin bex how dem mek dat nice, nice girl, Diana die like a wild animal in de street. Dey need dere head examine, no amount hoff money is wurth de life hof a uman bein. Hif it cum doung to yu or dem, halways mek it yu. Is not like sey unno is rebel rowsers an a try fi cause problems. Unno a mine uno bizness and dem a fass.

Don't mek dese charlatans bully and terrorize you. Dey need to hunderstand dat you an yu family is a National Treasure an dem need to respect dat. Jus start tinking like a mischievous kid when dem a try fi annay yu, an see if dem dont hease off nice, nice. Rememba Dennis The Menace? You coulda learn a ting ar two from im.

When people no accustom to a good ting dem hact fool-fool.Try all a we me tell yu fi do. If dat don't wuk, get some dead fowl an trow it outta de window from yu Range Rover. Dem hact bold, but me a tell yu, most a dem fraid a dead people and hocus pocus.

You knoe, hi have neva seen anybady inna Hummer hupset and fulla bodderation. Tink habout it. Yu might want to tink about a convoy of Hummas, use turbo gas and lef dem choking in s-m-o-k-e.

All nex year dis ya time, dem still a go a de respiratory specialist. Dat should hold yu far a while, write an mek me knoe how yu getting on.

By de way, Princess, I was tinkin fi wear wan tiara like yours a de Award Ceremony. You tink sey yu could put in a good word wid de Harry Winston him far me? I would really be grateful.

Bless you heart!

Respectfully,

Dulcimer Robothom