Hello again yu wandarful folks! How hall hof yu is doing?

Well, me is alright, hexcept me did wan go a foreign fi wan visit, but me a feel fraidie, fraidie lately. Thru de terrorist dem a circle hall ova Merca an Hengland. Lawd! Me no wan chance it ya. Pooor mi likkle gran pickney dem cyan hafford fi have dem Mee-ma fi get fried, diced and barbequed. So me went to de Narth Coast an preten sey me a dry lan tourist. Yu wan see me. Dress like a "Pichary Bird" pon Christmas marning.

Me buy hall a de latest fashin dem, we de sales lady tell mi fi get. Some a de colars dem is a bit colorful, but dem will see me comin dat's fi sure. Mi frien Mr. Billings tell me sey mi look like a "Jonkanoo Float", but mi no cyare. I'm on vacation!

So here I am on the beach tryin mi best not fi lek de sun scarch me. Me a read wan arlequin romans novel, lawd de story sweet me so till. Den wan lady she come hup to me. "Excuse me, but have you seen my Aunt Matilda?

A say to har, "Who is your Haunt Matilda? Ham Hi suppose to know har?"

Me was tinking likle bit cause me did know a Ms. Mattie from Constant Spring, but me no know wey she woulda do inna Ochie. De lady continued, She is a very petite old lady, I brought her here for a holiday. Since she came here, she's been a changed woman. She doesn't take her blood pressure pills anymore, she's been drinking alcohol and dancing until all hours of the night. She has also been keeping company with a Dread, she says they meditate together.

"Have you seen her?" The woman yelled at me frantically. Well, me had to tek a moment to compose me self far dis oman was on de verge of sumting. She a worry ova de poor likkle ole lady, har hauntie com a Jamaica an fine har hage paper. Me no know how fi tell har dat.

I tun quite coyly to har an sey, "So wen las yu see har?"

"This morning when she came in the dining room for breakfast wearing shorts and a halter top. Can you imagine? This old lady who always wore dresses up to her neck and spent most of her days doing needlepoint has gone bonkers, I tell you! Just bonkers!"

I felt real hupset far her but yu know, dere comes a time inna hevry body's life when dem set loose to hav a ball. Mi haffi admit sey me did a likkle bex she did interrup me, me did wan finish mi romans novel. But hall de same me get up an elp ar comb de beach fi de likle lady. We mussey did spen tree hours a look fi ar. Me and de oman who cyall harself Penelope decide sey we tirsty and so we stop fi wan guinness break.

Hall hof a sudden we ear some "rockers" a play and calypso drums playing along wid de music. Me hask de bartenda , we de music a com from. Him tell me sey, dem a have a wet t-shirt contest and karaoke party inna de shack cross de street. Me decide fi go fast an me bring Penelope wid me. Guess who we buck up? No Haunt Matilda pon stage, talkin bout sey she a go henter de wet t-shirt contest. We do hevry ting fi talk har hout of it, but she was not minding hus at all. Den de likkle scrawny dread a talk bout , "Gwayn mi dear! Give dem young gal a run fi dem money!"

I wanted to gey im wan coof yu see. Mi no know what mad puss piss im drink fi a tel dis likkle old lady chupidness. All de same she henter de contest, an guess what? She win!

De oman was a glow like starlight pon a Christmas Night. Me tun same time to har niece Penelope an tell ar sey, she fi mek de old lady henjoy harself. Happiness is fleeting and you nevva knoe when de hend his near.

She gey me wan nasty stare and tell me sey, "That's alright for you to say, but you haven't seen her when her blood pressure sky rockets and she complains of gout!"

I took a minute fi get me self togather, dis was a young oman worried ova ar hantie. Mi hask har when las she hava good time. She couldn't hansa me. Me laugh yu see. Den she bus out a laught too.

Me tel ar sey, has long as de old lady naw cause no harm to harself or hanyone helse, she fi kick up har heels an havva good time too. From what Hi hunderstand from de bartenda, de two a dem party till de wee hours a de mawning. Problem solved.

So I was back to de beach reading mi novel, when I glanced to mi right, an who me see? No Penelope an ar Hauntie a double date pon Ocho Rios sparkling beach. But see here, dem tek dating to a whole new level. Mi juss raise hup mi glass a sour sop juice to dem, a bawl hout, "Cheers!"

Dis is Ms. Dulcie signing off from de beach. Till next time, when me no have sand hall ova mi anatomy an mi naw chase down de geriatric crew. Stay sweet.

Ms. Dulcie