Ow har hall you wanderfaul folks doing dese days. Lawd, tings hard in a Jamaica, dats why me was away pon wan world tour. Hell hot down ya , so me had fi get outta de kitchen fi a likle while. Tings are so hexpensive in JA. Me go a di store fi buy wan can a milo, dem wan hundred hof Jamaican dollars far milo. Dem brain mussey a suffa fram heat stroke. Me jus kinly mix hup sum condense milk an hot water an drink it like it was champain. Like dem sey inna Jamica, "If yu no have mammie, you use pappy instead."

Nex time me go a fareign me haffi bring back sum barrel hof sundries, 'cause dem ya price is hextortion money. Hanyways, me no hopen mi letta dem, tru me jus get back from mi worl tour.
But me have torey fi gey yu.

Has me waz a cross de street fe go a Mr. Knight parmacie fi get me sanotogen tonic, me see Ms. Loonis and Ms. Mattie sitin pan dem stoop a Oliver Road. Me nevva really wan talk to dem tru me knoe sey dem hallways a seek out su-su-su. So me tek time shade me head wid wan newspaper fi cross de street, but de light change so mi haffi did stan pan dem sidewalk.

Here dem, "Lawd, look pon Miss Fowler daughta, why de gal head so picky-picky, like drankoono party inna it? Dem is s'pose fi be mix breed, but me no see hit at all! An watch Ms. Dorcas 'usban him drunk hall de time. Im practically haf de bar tatoo pon im farhead. Beryl sista tink she his wan model, she look life a moggel, me no knoe which ya magazine a fareing she a moggle far. De wan Ms. Dulcie she, tek way an gawn pon tour an nevva haf de decency fi tell hus. What a real puick she his. She tink sey she is Ms. Big Time now. She a get too big for her gauchas. Me cyan tan ar......."

Well, I nevva, me became frozen like a popsickle living permanently in wan freeza. Dem two tun coat a chat me like a dutty dish rag. Hafta all I did far dem. When Ms. Loonis man lef ar, I shrow wan big party and ar frien dem cum a mi yard and heat an drink up, me waz ar good fren den. And when Ms. Mattie pickney did wan sponsor far de sports tornament, a mi Ms. Puick,Oversize Gauchas go trust sports hequipment fi gey de hungrateful wretch dem. Lord, a was so vex till I coul bust.I couldn't hold me tongue no more. I march like a soldier on narcotics ova to de two jezebel dem. I had to gey dem a piece hof mi disgust.

Yu knoe we me tell dem sey, "Uno is de lowest, and duttiest farm of uman hexistence! Hafta me elp uno out hof nottin. Me ketchin miself, but me elp uno an uno dawg mi hout like dis. Uno deserve fia an brimstone. Gwey from me uno old heathen and tap chat people business! Lawd! A lose miself an trace dem. A trace dem like wan hartist havin a maraton. And You Ms. Stooch Loonis, when yu wuzzza nam hup mi food an pocket mi meat from mi freeza , yu nevva tink sey mi wuz a wretch den. Uno too dutty and nasty far me. I gwey tell hall de people dem wey yu chat tings bout, wey yu sey bout dem.

Well, me nevva see gal tun so much color before. A real live rainbow was present inna Jamaica. From dat de day me no see de Ms. Loonis nor de Ms. Mattie she again. I wage a oman brigade fi run dem duttiness outta town. I nevva knoe what a low class setta people dem is. Me just hate people who chat up odder people business while dem gat weed a grow inna dem backyard. Hif a hevva see dem old wrenkers again, a gwey fix dem bizness real good.

So, now yu hall knoe sey Ms. Dulcie can get down wid troublesome folk when she haf to. Mi sista Lucille used to tell me sey, "Gal, sometime yu haffi tek yu ladyship an wrap it inna paperbag, and straighten de old harlot dem hout." On dat note I sent de two trollops dem packing.

Till nex time, when I am not so worked up. Tek care and stay sweet.

Dulcimer Robothom