Ow are you dere folks doing out dere? I ope hevry body had wan luvly halliday season an a soba New Yar. Lawd, mi no wan talk bout fi mi halliday! Mi so tired from ackling up mi self. Mi gran pickney dem wan hevry ting dem se pon television. Dem is too fallow fashin. Hall de same, me love dem an mi cyant sey no. So, aldough I will be heating cornmeal porridge till next Chrismas, mi sure dey will henjoy de gifts dem mi buy fi de res a de yar.

Mi been gettin so many lettars from hall ova de worl. But see ya, Ms. Dulcie tun wan Hinternational Star. Wan lady write mi from Hengland, she's a nanny. Fi ar letta is so parplexin. Hanywey, mi gwey try mi bes fi ansa ar.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robothom:

How art thou? I earnestly hope you are in jolly spirits and felling quite sprite. My name is Lucinda Witthersby, I have been a professional Nanny for several years. Most recently, I went to work for a "distinguished" family and I was treated most disdainfully. Although, I live on the premises where the children are being raised, the Mrs. of the house takes certain liberties. For instance, if her and the Master are going out in the late evenings, she hollers my name to get my attention. I must tell you first, that I am hard of hearing, and that I live in the guest house on their property. My hearing problem is not something I publicize. Up until this situation I have managed fine, and was able to be of service as a nanny for thirty years. Normally, the Butler would inform me when she is on one of her tirades and needs immediate assistance with the children. However, on this particular evening he was not available. The Mrs. needed me to watch her children while she spied on her philandering husband in the middle of the night. Apparently she screamed my name several times, and I didn't respond. Primarily, because I did not hear. She got fed up and the next day she asked me to leave the premises immediately because of my insolence and lack of sensitivity to her needs.

Dear Ms. Dulcimer, This has been a shock to my impeccable reputation. As I said before, I have raised several youngsters under my charge and I have never been treated so horridly. I am accustomed to my employers approaching me in a dignified manner and asking me to conduct my duties. Despite my hearing impairment, how can anyone have the capability of hearing a person when they yell furlongs away?

If dismissing me wasn't bad enough, she threatened to physically harm me and was verbally abusive. It has been several months since I left that position and the woman has her cronies crank calling me on occasion. She has illegally entered my place of dwelling several times and left outrageous epitaphs scribbled on my refrigerator. Not to mention the fact that she helped herself to a beautiful heirloom my grandfather left me. She has been extremely brazen about absconding with the item and has no plans of returning it.

I have always been a respectable citizen and have never resorted to negative actions. But this dame has certainly crossed the line. Please offer your kind assistance.

Dear Ms. Witthersby:

What a trial and tribulation pon yu! I cyan sey dat fambly is no dignified fambly. Dem is a bunch a haul an pull up people! Mi feel sarry fi de poor pickney dem, 'cause it soun like dem naw get no ome trenning.
She tink yu is de bionic oman we yu cyan ere simaday from miles away? Yu shuld a tell ar, "Oman tap bawl hout mi name and talk to mi like a narmal uman bein!" Some peple knoe who fi pull dem tripe pon. Yu knoe, sumtime yu haffi tek yu ladyship an rap it in a paperbag, an get down tu de nitty gritty wid dem classless peple.

A honly people who heng out in a alley holla like dat! Whatta disgrace!

Mi com fra country and heven mi knoe sey if yu wan talk to simaday, you happroach dem in a nice non-threatning manna. I see yar point, you accustum to yu peple dem come to yu, dat way you hable to read dem languige.
Dats what mos normal peple do. She jussa show haf arself. Yu eva ere bout nevva see, com see. In my country dose are peple who no accustum to nutthing. So dem sho dem likkle wrenking self.

Mi would report ar to the authorities. Mek dem keep a record hof ar antics. De gal is a bully an a tief, no wanda de man a run from ar. Nex time she cyall yu yard, tell ar sey yu a go set junjo pon ar. Mek ar finga dem drop haff one by one, see if she no leff yu halone.

Nevva mine if she no knoe we junjo is. It will hupset ar nerves enuff! Hanyway, mi lady, dooghnt let dis scallywagy oman ruin yu life. Figet ar an leave ar to God Almighty, Im will simma ar down. Wait ....

Always,
Dulcimer Robothom