Praise Jesus! I am so appy to be talkin to you folks again. I went wid mi fas self pon wan a dem fancy cruises and L-a-w-d mi get sea sick cyant done. A true mi watch de commercials dem. De idea seem so wandarful han relaxin. Well me dear chilren. I feel like a was pon de "tilt-a-whirl" at Coconut Park. Hi spen mos a mi time pon de deck wid a bucket an sumting dem cyall dramamine. Lorks! I haf to sen greetings to de folks wey discover dat de drug. What a miracle!

Dats what mi get fi play dry lan turist. Jamaica pretty an nice enuff, wey mi gawn play fallow fashin fa? Ah mi chilren, pray fa me yu ere. Now mi come back to JA wid mi shrivel hup prune self. But see ere, mi is sumting helse!

Anyhow, mi get wan letta from a lady at wan fancy boarding school in Falmouth. Ere it goes:

Dear Ms. Robothom:

I am the caretaker of a very exclusive boarding school in Falmouth, Jamaica. I recently found one of my esteemed students puffing away on that dreadful "weed", you know the one they call sensemelia. At first I thought the students were just burning wild flowers from the garden. I must admit that the thought never crossed my mind that they were smoking drugs. It was the Gardner who brought my attention to their truancy. I would have never thought that these children would have entertained the idea of substance abuse.

I have spoken sternly to my star pupil and her cohorts, however, I am told that they continue to indulge in the flowery substance during recess hours off campus. Please tell me what I should do? I am sure if I tell their parents , they will probably ship them off to Siberia. Where they will probably be freezing and high. I don't think that's a very good solution. Help me please!!!

I am quite torn up about this situation because I don't want to have this student or her companions expelled.

Sincerely,
Caretaker of Privileged Puffers

Dear Ms. Caretaker of Prips:

Firs of hall, which part a Falmouth yu is located? I will com up dere to dem chilren. You know, I believe we de bible sey, "Don't spare de rod and spoil de chile." I will com up dere wid mi Ital stick and reason wid dem.Wey rong wid dem chilren do eh? A wey dem get de drugs from? I tink yu need to gadder dem hall togather. Tell dem dat if dey are foun using or possessing drugs of hany kine, dey will receive sevral demerits. Put wan hegg inna fryin pan an show dem wey drugs do to dem brain. Mi sure dat will hexpose dem to wan whole new rehality. Tell dem fi leave de ganga smokin far people stricken wid canca, dem need it far de pain. Drugs should only be used far medicinal purposes. Dat will certainly make drug usage seem less glamrus.

Yu halso need to fine dem source, sumbody is tekkin hadvantage of dese misguided chilren. When yu fine de person, collar dem hup right away and call de Constable pon dem. Dese chilren soun like dem bored an lonesome. It would be nice hif yu cyan create an hartistic houtlet far dem. Keep dem bizzie by arganizing wan play.

Don't become dispondant if dese suggestians don't work. If hall helse fails, fine dem stash and soak it wid sum pick- a- peppa sauce. Haversion Therapy works evrytime! Hask hany toddler.

Aldough a knoe yu don't wan tell dem parents. I tink its in de school's best hintrest dat yu do. Maybe running from Siberian huskies won't be such a bad hidea. Dey will be too bizzie to tink bout s'mokin de sense'.

Tell dem chilren dat Ms. Dulcie sey fi "Tap S'moke De Sensemelia" far hif hit no heal ya, it'll kill ya! Dem knoe mi real good in dem dere parts of de country. Mi used to be de Sunday School teacha. Hask dem if dem knoe bout "Ruler Knuckles Dulcie", dat should keep dem well behaved. Nuff said, tek care my dear.

Dulcimer Robothom