Jamaican Culture
Ms. Dulcie Sey: Yu no want no "mamparlor" man!
Published Nov 20, 2009Hullo evrywan it's me, Ms. Dulcie. Lord haf mercy! It is so hot innna Jamaica. Uno betta beave uno self 'cause if it is so hot ere. Can yu imagine wat ell is like? Like Ms. Aalawecious used to say, "Repent and be good, cause ell is an eternity". A tink a gwey go church tomarrow cause dis heat mi no wan experiance inna mi aftalife.
Anyhow, enuff bout eternal damnation. Lek mi tell yu bout wan letta mi get de odder day. A oman from Merka write me, she say, ar bwoyfrien halways a borrow ar clothes and use ar lipstick. Can you himagine. Mi dear, me sorry, but mi stomach was a bust wid laughta afta dis one letta.
Dear Ms. Dulcimer Robothom:
How art thou? I read your column all the time on jamaicans.com. Eventhough I live in America, I can certainly identify with some of the problems your fans write to you about. As a matter of fact, I have a very private and disturbing problem that I can only discuss with you. I have had a boyfriend for twenty-five years now and he is a bit of a puzzle to me. He can decorate better than any interior decorator. His name is Charles, and he is obssessed with keeping our apartment spotless.
We never really argue, but when we do, it is usually about him borrowing my clothes. He says, that he uses certain clothing colors to help him decorate the place. However, that story became a little suspect when I arrived home early one day and caught him dressed in my night gown and robe. Oh! not to mention that he was all made up and wearing my expensive Cartier perfume.
He joked and said it was a prank. Then my girlfriend told me, she saw him at a fashion show. He was dressed up like a woman, yet acting like a man. Charles enjoys all things feminine. He loves to go shopping with me, he enjoys chatting with my girlfriends and I. Does that mean he's gay? Perhaps that's why he never proposed marriage?
Sincerely,
Anonymously Confused
Dear Ms. Anonymous and Confused:
Yu ask mi , "How art thou". My answer to dat wan is I art fine. Mi dear, hall mi haffi sey to yu is, "Revive yu self wid sum smelling salt!" Cause yu miss de boat mi luv pon dis wan. De man lef yu pon No Man's Land instead a Gilligan's islan. Im is what we used to cyall in my time in Jamaica, a "mamparlor" man.
Dis is a man who luv to be up inna female business. If is egg, im inna de red. Fus of all, yu wait twenty-five years fi get suspicious bout dis genkleman? Is yu Sleeping Beauty or what? De man tink sey yu is im gal pal, or heng roun town buddy. Charles tink sey im in charge a yu business. De man been skylarkin wid yu 'cause im business is elsewhere. Lorks my dear, yu may as well induct im inna yu fambly, cause hafta twenty-five years of datin or livin togadder, a tink it's o.k. to figet bout de marriage ting. Yu may as well elp im tek de cat outta de bag, an air evryting out in de hopen. 'Cause at leas yu can salvage yu twilight years wid a nice companion.
Mi dear yu may has well give im his hown wardrobe of oman clothing so im tap borrow fi yu won. Well, since yu get on so well yu may wan stay as roommates, hespecially how apartments are deer dese days.Lek mi has yu a question. Yu nevva tink it strange im still a decorate hafta twenty-five years hof livin togadder? Not heven pon HGTV dem decarate so hoften. Beg de lord fi sen yu a man, yu can get ole wid. Mek sure im no wan wear yu sinthing dem. Hask God specially far wan macho man. Yu noe wat a mean? Halright?
Be good now, yu here?
Till nex time.
Dulcimer Robothom
Browse the latest articles
More from Ms. Dulcie Sey
Ms. Dulcie Sey: “Thou Shall Not Covet Dy Neighbor’s Wife!” My wife and I recently moved to a new town because my company relocated. The relocation was an alternative to downsizing. Therefore my company opted to save tax dollars by changing cities. Prior to moving to Oregon, I kept my marriage and private life “under wraps”. No one had met my wife, Selena until we moved to Portland. But, since the company paid to relocate us, it feels as if it has given people a free pass to invade our private lives. We are trying to get acclimated to the environment, but recent events have made it very difficult.
Ms. Dulcie Sey: “Yu Granpickney is no debil” Cheerio Hevryone! Ow iz uno hall copin wid de Holiday rush? Lorks, me hiz hall chrimassed out because me a go a Hengland soon fi see likkle Precious mi granbebe. Me tink sey me a go need fi get wan separate Jet Liner fi bring de sinthing dem to Hingrid an ar fambly…….Hoops! mi sey fambly…Yes mi dears, Ms. Hingrid she haf wan new bwoyfren name Hans from Sveden…Drama, drama an more drama, but dat is far anedder time.
Ms. Dulcie Sey: "What a Bam Bam wid de TSAS!" Frens, fambly an distinguished peoples, ow iz uno hall doin dem ya dawg dayz ere? Tings haad hall ova de wul fi hevrywan, an it nuh sim like anyting a get betta.Owever, iz nat de inflaccion dat gat peoples dung, iz de presant sitiation of de way odder uman beins is treatin dem fello citizens. Me sey, me get bout a dozen letta de odder day 'bout de way de peple dem feel wen dem a travel.
Ms. Dulcie Sey: “How Dem A Look Man?” Well howdy-do hall hoff you ferulaceous people pon radio, T.V. an Hintarnet Land! Ow is haal a huno doing dese fine days? Well, me glad fi report sey, Missa Fowler is back inna haction an a get pon mi custed nerves, has usual. Hexcept, haal now dem no fine de ole relux dem, you heva see mi dyin trial?
Ms. Dulcie Sey: "So Wey Dem Hinvite We Fa?" Howdie-do hall hof mi faithful fans! Ow iz hall uno doin dese days? Well, it seem like de wul gawn topsy-turvy. Wan good ting dough, hafta mi rally dung a de hairport and de Hembassy dem, Ms. Dulcie hiz appy fi hannounce sey dem tek mi hoffa de "no fly list". Cyan yu himagine......?
Ms. Dulcie Sey: "Haaard Times A Bust We Shut!" Ow iz all mi dear frens dem doin hall ova de Wul? Lawd! Ms Dulcie is very cancern dese dayz, az uno knoe me iz a globe travla, an me tell yu sey hevry where me go inna Jamaica, Urope an Merka peple dem a sell hout dem nice, nice tings dirt cheap.
Ms. Dulcie Sey: "Wey Happun To Nu Yauk!" Hallo hall hoff mi wonderful an fateful fans, ow iz hall hoff uno doin? Well a ope uno iz doin well. Miss Dulcie juss get back from ar trip to de big ole Happle an bwoy no hask if he nevva haff wan hole heap a wum.Lorks haff mercy, me nevva cuss an carry on so much inna alla a fi mi bawn life.
Add a Comment
Please be civil.