Greetings mi loyal readas! How art thou? Well de criminal dem a hact bad inna Jamaica you see, dem a siphon out de sky juice bag dem from de sky juice man, an if dat nat bad henuff. Dem a gi peple counterfeit money instead a de real ting. Has hif dem cyaan get more creative wid Jamaican money…but see here! I ope de guvernment fix dem busines far dem…Dose custed wretches!
Me tek up me ole self go a de Happleton Polo Match inna Ochie, thru me did ear se dem have wan Jamaican Polo Playa. By de time me tek a ride from Mr. Fowla to St. Elizabet an den tek two mini-bus, when mi get de, de match halmost dun. Den fi mek tings more complicated, wan a dem stray harse no gi me wan kick inna mi shin. Mi see all de star dem inna de consellation. Afta all dat hexcitement me miss de hole blinkin match. A get bex you see. Is a good ting mi fren Ms. Dorcas have a Holiday Shack inna de area.
Tru me doughn’t get hout much, me say mek me do sumting hexciting far a change. What a ole relux I am. Me nevva see de match, now mi haffi a rub mi leg with camphor ile an mi haffi go a Russia inna few weeks. Me juss a go put on wan a dem furry Ugz boots an hact like sey me on mi way to Siberia. So much far Jamaycan patriotism…eh?
Well, while me waz pon mi likle hexcursion me get wan hexpress letta from dis ooman name Sangster. Me say kde oman a bawl inna de letta a tell me say, some ooman who name Ms. Mattie dead. She a write to me has hif me knoe de oman. Me no knoe Ms. Mattie.
De hongly Ms. Mattie me knoe a de Ms. Mattie every Jamaican mek joke bout. Like wen you have hat hair and yu look distressed, peple will sey, yu look like Ms. Mattie.
Me halways a tell Ms. Dorcas sey she look like “Ms. Mattie” cause she prance roun de yard inna ar rollas , bath robe and no denchars. Has far as me knoe, Ms Mattie is a fictional character.
Hevry whey me go inna Jamaica fi bout two days straight people a talk bout dis Ms. Mattie. So, mi hask Mista Homestead, who run de Fabric Shap inna mi area, hif im did knoe a Ms. Mattie. Im tell me dere is a Ms. Mattie far real. Well, I wuz flabbergasted, me halways tink sey Ms. Mattie wuz a joke.
Inna de convasation Missa Homestead start tell me wan heap a story, den im sey, “Me gweyin to de finneral, let’s go dere togethar.”
Me juss look pon im like im a simoke sumthing. Im a look wan date fi go a funeral, dat is a psycho if I hever erd of wan. Me juss hask im fi de haddress a de finneral ome. Me had fi mek sure de tory wey dem tell mi is true.
When me go dung at Peabody & Peabody Funeral Home an hask far viewin de remains of wan Ms. Mattie, dem kinely dierect me to wan likle bit-o-coffin, bout three feet tall.
Ms. Mattie was a itsy-bitsy hactress, who get ar fame from runnin roun town like a ragamuffin.
De Place did crowded cyaan dun. All de ole cojorubbo dem a bawl ana wail, “Lawd Jesus Christ! Ms. Mattie dead!” Like sey dem did knoe ar. De only place dem knoe ar from is de television. People fulla foolishness doh eh?
Dem fulla hedonism a tek de Lord name hinvain!
Like dem sey, “Jamaica fa real…….Ms. Mattie was very much real.”
Who knew?
So, me writin Ms. Sangster a letta fi tell ar tank you very much fi de infarmation, ’cause me did halways tink sey Ms. Mattie wuz a big Jamaican joke. Hingrid is hallways tellin me “Mamie in Jamaica when you ere gossip, if it no go so, ie go near so"
On dat note, tek care, walk good, an mi will talk to hall a uno soon.
Dulcimer Robothom
