Jamaica

As you all may know by now, my Granny was the grand dame of religion in her time. What you may not know is before my Granny began celebrating the Sabbath, she was one of the most devoted Catholics of her town. Granny practically made a career out of serving the Catholic church. She spent most of her waking hours assisting with charitable causes and church bazaars. What ever event the Catholic church was having, Granny was "chief cook and bottle washer" for the entire affair. My relatives often teased her by saying that she had the hotline to the Vatican. Anything you wanted done, just go ask Granny. She was able to pull strings that people who held high positions in the church couldn't. I guess you could say in those days, Granny was a loyal friend to the Pope.

So, after many years of celebrating her Sabbath, our family decided to ask Granny to go to Easter mass with us. Well, Granny did not take kindly to the suggestion at first. My Granny was the sort of person who was extremely loyal and when she did anything, it was never half-way. She always put her heart and soul into every task she undertook.

After several rounds of begging and pleading by the grand children, Granny finally acquiesced and decided to grace the Roman Catholic church with her presence. By this time, Granny was quite mature in age, and she had been confined to a wheelchair. However, her limitations never stopped her from being feisty and taking charge. She just learned how to delegate better.

Finally, after much deliberation Granny was coming around to being a good sport about attending our church. Several preparations had to be made to transport Granny to the church and get her dressed. But our family rallied around and accomplished the project with style and finesse. Granny was dressed like Madame Pompadour, her wheelchair was highly decorated and she had her chariot waiting - the ambulette and its driver.

At this point Granny was actually looking forward to attending the Roman Catholic church, where she could say hello to old friends and acquaintances. While the rest of us continued to finalize the finishing touches to our attire, Granny sat in the foyer and called out, "Why are you folks taking so long? Let's get on with it. I have places to go and people to see!"

When Granny spoke, everyone listened. In "two-twos" everyone scampered about and were ready to depart for the church. As the ambulette driver was putting Granny into the vehicle, she said: "Take time with my hat, you know, I don't want to go to church looking like a peel-head drankoonoo. Just mine mi hat and don't crease up, crease up my frock."

The ambulette driver smiled and said, "No Mrs. B, you know I always get you where you want to go looking like a rose."

Granny continued, "Alright then, let's keep it that way."

So off we all went to the church. It was only a few minutes from the house, so in no time we were there.
When Granny arrived, she remarked to everyone, "Now step lively! I don't want to have to sit in the back of the church as if I'm in punishment. So let's liven things up."

The ambulette driver and his helper hurriedly carried Granny into the church where she was able to be seated right at the pulpit.

My cousin mentioned to Granny, "Don't worry Gran , things are so modern now, you can view the sermon on T.V."

"T.V.? I came to church to see the priest and people, I don't want to view anything on the 'custed' television."

As the service began and the priest and his entourage made their way to the altar, Granny whispered in my ear, "Why dem trying to smoke me out with so much incense?"

The priest reached over and shook Granny's hand as he passed by. She summoned him for a second: "Blessed Father, I have a favour to ask. Can you take it easy with the incense? My allergies are acting up terribly. I would really apppreciate it."

He responded, "For you Sister B, I will take it a little easy on the incense."

We all sat there smiling at Granny, because wherever Granny went, she always had the golden touch with people. Granny could get people to do things that not even the Pentagon could.

She sat there, as regal as a "please puss," greeting all her old friends as they filed in. Granny took a liking to one of the young ushers and had him catering to her needs during the church service. She even called him "my little friend". Granny seemed to enjoy the service very much, except for when the priest went around with holy water blessing everyone.

Granny whispered, "Lord have mercy! Is pneumonia dem trying to give me? Why dem have to douse me so, with water? In my church dem submerge you. This is like that fine rain dat mek you sick, man."

Granny continued, "Call my son dem! I want to go home, before dem wet up all my clothes."

I turned to her and said, "Never mind, Granny, the service is almost over."

Granny calmed down and enjoyed singing the hymns. Then it came time for the collection. Granny always used to say, "the Lord loves a cheerful giver," so she put her two cents in, and continued singing.

Grannny, known for her observance, noticed that one of the ushers was wearing a crucifix as big as the one that God was put on. She softly called after him, "My son, why you wearing such a heavy thing around your neck? It gwey stop you circulation my love."

He answered, "Mrs. B, I'm trying to keep away the devil."

Granny said, "Sweetheart, at that rate you going, believe me, you will exorcize him."

Granny had the whole front row of the church laughing hysterically. The service eventually ended and Granny began to wheel herself to the front doors. The congregation bolted pass her, running out to greet the priest.

Granny stopped for a second. "Mags, what is wrong with these people? They're acting like the priest is a celebrity. Dem must have had too much holy wine to drink!"

I replied, "Granny, times have changed, and in a way, I guess you could say that the Catholic church has become even more prominent than in the olden days."

"Mags, the next thing you know, they'll be charging admission to go to mass. The priest dem have become rock stars. What a way life has changed."

"You can say that again, Granny."

Granny continued to exit the church when a sweet little girl offered to help her to the ambulette. Apparently, the child had too much sugar, because she began to do "pop-o-wheelies" with Granny's wheelchair.

Granny called out: "My luv, thank you for helping me, but at the rate you going, you going to dash me on the ground and my chair will be tired. Thanks a lot sweetheart, but Granny can take it from here."

Granny gave the little girl a handful of icy mints from her purse and then asked us to call the driver for her. The driver arrived in no time and assisted her into the ambulette. The driver asked her, "Mrs. B, how did you enjoy church?"

"Let's see, aside from dem trying to choke me wid de blinkin incense, dem nearly wash me away with the holy water. During the communion, they nearly mash mi corn and give me phlebitis. You would think dem was giving away breakfast."

"Sounds very interesting, Mrs. B."

"My dear, that's not even the best part. There was a nice usher there that had a crucifix around him neck, bigger than the one Jesus had. I don't know how him don't have a hunch back carrying that thing. Poor thing. I gwey pray for him all the same. Anyway, it was a lovely service. Thank God Easter is only once a year!"

The ambulette driver began to beep his horn. Granny looked out the window.

"Are we home yet?"

"No, Mrs. B, we have to wait for the people to come out of church, so we can pull out."

"But see here, is where they think this is? The "Cordon Bleu? Just go and tell them that there is no valet parking here. I have to go now! Because I just took my blood pressure pills."

Granny was becoming ired by the moment because the parishioners took their own sweet time departing the church. Granny just shook her head, "You know, dem must be planning on closing down the church, please go and tell the crossing guard that Sister B need to go home now. She knows who I am. Run and tell her for me!"

The driver commented, "I don't know Mrs. B, it's really congested."

"Just listen to me, my son!"

Reluctantly he approached the crossing guard and gave her the message. Before you know it, it was like Moses parting the Red Sea. Granny got carte blanche all the way. Sirens wailing, cars moving like they heard there was a free giveaway at Kmart.

Granny smiled, "I tell you, the Lord works in mysterious ways! Praise God a soon reach home."

She peeked out the window and waved to the crossing guard. "Bless you, Ms. Loonis. Give my regards to the family!"

After a very exciting morning at church Granny was back in her "comfort zone". Granny looked at me and said, "You know Ms. Joogz, I'm glad you grand children talk me into going out this morning. I must confess, it was a little bit exciting."

I laughed. "Granny, you are the only woman I know that could make special requests at church and part traffic in a few minutes. Who are you?"

Granny smiled, "I'm a child of God. That's who I am."

"Granny, are you sure you're not some kind of religious don or donness?"

Granny smiled as she began dozing, "Wouldn't you like to know...?"

In Memory of Pope John Paul II, who passed away on 4/2/05. Rest in peace!