What can I say except that I have never really been fond of dating? I have always felt that in America people do not consider dating a sacred privilege. They tend to consider it a sport, as opposed to an earnest endeavor to find one's soul mate. This was my main reason for consulting my Granny on such affairs. Even though she was old and had Victorian ways and ideas, I always believed her ways offered plenty of consolation.
Granny came from an era where marriages were arranged for socio-economic purposes, or where you courted very briefly and then were married. After marrying you usually stay together for the rest of your life on earth. In today's society the old-fashioned values have slowly disintegrated. I went to Granny for advice, despite the fact that she was a bit ancient in thinking.
Her anecdotes about the situation always kept me very amused. At the time her sayings were funny, but now that I am an adult the meanings are profound and precious.
I never really dated; I was more of a relationship type of person. I would go to Granny with my relationship woes and her most favorite response would be, "Sweetheart, true love never runs smooth." I would respond, "That may be true Granny, but does it have to be a roller-coaster ride all the time?" When I spoke to her of male infidelities, she would respond by telling me,"Luv, let the "fast girls" have their go, because when you marry they'll be standing out the door." These sayings of Granny's never really resolved any of my relationship battles, but they offered hope and comfort. Granny finally became irritated with my dating situation and one day said to me, "I'm going to find you a nice boy from church.
"Well, those words rang decibels in my mind, because I didn't know whether to iron my best dress or go running for the hills. I paused for a second to somehow try and remember a time when Granny was a match maker. Funny thing, no couples immediately came to my mind. This made me even more apprehensive about her offer to play cupid. She replied rather casually, "Oh don't get your frock in a crease over this dating frenzy, You'll see, it will be o.k.
"Granny spent all week grooming me and telling me all sorts of clever things to make pleasant conversation. I was so anxious about my impending meeting, that I forgot all her pointers.
Church Day came and I was dressed to "backfoot", (as they would say in J.A.). Granny and I enjoyed the service and just as we were about to depart the chapel, she said, "Come let me introduce you to Mr. Halliday's son. He's from a good family; a bright boy and he will make you a nice husband." I said, "Granny, exactly what does the fact that he comes from a 'good family' mean? Does it mean he is not an axe murderer, or that he can write his name in script and read at the same time?" She laughed. I thought, "What is wrong with this guy? Was he a nursery school reject or perhaps a Cyclops?
"Finally, out of Mr. Halliday's shadow stepped a very handsome, very polished young man. Suddenly, I became speechless and my thoughts escaped me. Granny had not told me all the details. She examined my expression and chuckled, and then she responded, "I'm your Granny and you think that I have no taste in men. I'm old, not dead! Exactly how did you get your wonderful features?" I thought, "Yeah, I guess you're right."
Niko Halliday was just as nice as Granny had mentioned and he wasted no time in asking me out. For the first few weeks all of our dates were fantastic, until the relationship started to become serious. He started acting like a real jerk. I told Granny of all his inconsistencies and his sometimes disrespectful manner and Granny was very upset. She said, "Who this boy think him is? The King of England? Well, I have a good mind to call his parents and make dem chastise him!" I pleaded with her not to do so, but then she asked me to let her know the next time we were venturing out on a date. So I told her that we had a date planned for the following evening.
As I was almost dressed, Granny appeared, and she was dressed too. I asked her "Granny where you going?" She said, "Never mind. I am going with you tonight."There was silence as we waited for Mr. Halliday, Jr. to arrive. I knew Granny meant business and I was not about to stop her. Niko was quite pleased with himself until Granny greeted him at the door and announced that she would be joining us for the evening.
Granny said, "I don't feel so good and I feel like the night air would do me some good. You don't mind, right darling?" What was he going to say to this sweet old lady? It was fun to watch him squirm. His countenance changed and he was definitely not a happy camper. Granny did not care; she was a lady on a mission. She grabbed her shawl and me and we were on our way.
As leopards never change their spots, neither did Niko change his jerk-ike behavior, and half-way through the date Granny heard him speak to me in a disdainful manner.
Granny stood up from her chair and said, "Listen young man. It's an honor and a privilige when I allow you to see my grandchild. When you take her out make sure you take her to the best places and when you speak to her, use the utmost respect. Just remember to show the home training your parents taught you, by opening all the doors and being cordial. If you ever speak to my Magsie in that tone again, I gway pray for you and believe me sonny boy, the Lord will show you the way! Trust me it won't be a nice experience!
'Granny took me by the hand and said, "Let's go! Thank God a carry some 'faesty money', we will have to call for public transportation to get home." So we left the pompous Mr. Halliday, Jr. stewing in his misbehavior. "Well," I said to Granny, "Don't feel bad, men are in a world all by themselves, that's why they have that book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus."Granny hugged me and we both laughed heartily all the way home.
