People may say that dead men tell no tales, but I beg to differ. As many Jamaicans may know, their deceased relatives never really just go away into the “Great Blue Yonder”. They are always around us, helping us mind our business.

Personally, I never really thought too much about what happened to our loved ones when they died. However, after much soul-searching and real life experiences, I have no doubt that there is a “Dead Grannies Society”. This is an elite group of corpses that get together all in the name of their children and grandchildren. They trade stories, and on occasion they do each other a favour or two.

Helping their survivors get through life, by sparing them from perilous circumstances and snares.

I’m sure you all have stories about a dead relative’s voice rescuing you from harm, or sending you a message in a dream, or speaking through other people you may come in contact with. All these experiences, are ways in which our loved ones maintain contact with us. They want us to know they care and even though they may be physically gone, their spirit still lives on.

Here’s how I know:

One day I was looking at Granny’s picture, and the phone rang, or so I thought. It was my Granny, coming through loud and clear.

I was puzzled, and stared around the room frantically.

“Magsie, hello! I’ve been trying to reach you.”

I would have dropped the phone right then and there, if I was holding one. I thought I was hallucinating.

I shook my head and tried to unclog my ears with tons of peroxide. But the voice just kept coming through as clear as ever.

I responded, “Granny is that you? How could it be?”

She got a bit irritated, “Come, hurry-up! I’m calling long distance and I can’t stay long. I’m returning your call.”

I replied, “”But Granny, I didn’t call you.”

“Oh yes you did….Never mind child, there are phones, and then there are “phones” . I know you want to talk to me, so here I am.”

Well, I felt like I was experiencing a scene out of “Bewitched” . The part when Samantha calls upon Endora.

I thought, “Ok fine, I’ll just play along with this little charade.”

I continued, “So what are you up to Granny? Sleeping a lot lately? Enjoying the greenery?”

She scoffed, “ Did you think because I’m six feet under that I am not busy? I am busier more than ever!’

“Running around taking care of all of you, and you people don’t make it easy…always gadding about town. Besides, I’m networking here. By the way, will somebody remind those kids to keep the Sabbath Day holy! I belong to a very elite group called “The Dead Granny’s Society”, but there is just so much we can do in a twenty-four hour period.

“R-e-a-l-l-y Granny, so tell me what are you accomplishing with this group of yours and who are the members?”

“Well, let’s see, first, to be a member you have to die around the same time I did, as you know, God has me meeting and greeting the new residents as they come in. I give them my “Praise The Lord Sermon” which gets them really excited. Then, the next pre-requisite is, they have to have grandchildren or children. We exchange stories and mental pictures. Oh! It’s glorious! I can’t stop telling tales about you.”

“So Granny, does any of your ghostly friends have clout?”

“When did you ever not know your Granny to mingle with the movers and shakers?”

“I had to ask…..You know me, little Ms. Inquiring mind. ”

“Well, let’s put it this way. There was something special you wanted at Christmas time last year. You got it didn’t you? That was my dear friend Mrs. Shikantaberry, she’s buried somewhere named Pinelawn in America. During Christmas Eve Night she harassed her granddaughters. My favour was delivered Christmas morning. Kudos to Granny….huh?”

Granny was spunkier than ever.

“Then, Valentine’s Day came and you were really being a bug. Granny delivered didn’t she? You know who that was ? That was my good friend Mrs. Mazouca, she plays the organ here at our Celestial Rallys. The woman have a lovely voice you see, If you ever hear her sing Opera, you would fall out of your chair. Poor thing, she died so sudden. You know she wasn’t able to say goodbye, heart attack. So now all day she’s fluttering around her family, doing mischievous things, so they know she’s around. No wonder she’s always tired. Anyway, she have connections can’t done. Just you wait and see what wonderful things I have her doing for you. Ms. Mags I haven‘t forgotten about all the things you told me on my dying bed and Granny has all her cronies in place. Don‘t you worry!”

“These are my people now, I help them, they help me. Together we are going to move mountains. Just you wait and see.”

“Granny, that’s really great you are happy and adjusting to your new life. You know I still love you like cook food?”

“ I know darling, You know your Granny, wherever the Lord is, she’s ecstatic! I miss uno sometimes, but the Lord is my saviour. Anyway, sweetheart, Granny have to run. We’re having a “Skipping in The Garden Competition” and a “Swinging from The Vine Contest“. It’s so much fun here, everything we do is serenaded by angels playing harps. And the fruits are out of this world…..(Granny laughed). Just a little heavenly humour. Take care Magsie…..Angels on your pillows!”

Just like that, the phone went dead…..Actually, it was my psychic phone .

My conversation with Granny was very comforting. Suddenly, I felt like I had unlimited “back-up”. I had people….Dead people, but as most Jamaicans would know, those are some of the most powerful friends to have. Your enemies don’t usually see them coming.

So to all the folks in Cemetaria I just want to give you a big shout out!

Granny thinks you guys are swell!!!

Dedicated to The Dead Granny’s Society