GPS Navigation System – Jamaican Style Part 1Published Mar 19, 2004
Adolphous buys a SUV equipped with a GPS Navigation system. He just arrived from country and is new to Kingston and needs the GPS to direct him.
Adolphous: What a way dem Kingston Rd congested and canfusing.. Den half a di road sign dem pap dung.. How di hell mi ago reach Hope Rd and mi late arredi ! Mek mi tun an di GPS system yaah man cause mi noh know which part fi goh.
GPS: Welcome to yuh Private Navigation system. Which Part yuh a head fram yahso?
Adolphous: Kaakfart! But disyah sinting gat vice [i]actuation[/i] to blurtnaugh. Niiiicee! Arite Mistress GPS ..how fi ketch fram yahso to Hope Road?
GPS: Fus to begin mi is a Sar nat a Misstress! Noh mek dat mistake again my yute.
Adolphous: Den a how fi yuh vice soun like woman soh if yuh a man? Noh tell mi she a wan batte-man GPS dem sell mi ina mi bran new secan han truck enoh!
GPS: A who yuh a call batte-man.. If yuh tun up di bass pan di system yuh wi hear mi betta … if yuh have di sinting set pan high pitch mi noh muss soun like wan lilly gal pickney
Adolphous: Oh Yuh lucky! Cause a woulda jus blaze up a fyah pan yuh blow wow cause bad man noh drive wid [i]homo-sestrual[/i] GPS.
GPS: If mi was homo-sestrual as yuh call it… mi woulden waan yuh ..Ugly like dem half starve patoo. Anyway fi Ketch a Hope Rd Mek di fus right afta di light pan Calvert St. An mek sure di light Green before yuh go troo it!
Adolphous: Den yuh tink mi know dat! **kiss teet**Save di feisty comments dem an just stick to di directian mi a beg yuh star. Arite mi mek di right …now what?
GPS: Drive fi bout half mile more
Adolphous: How much is half mile?
GPS: One mile divided by 2
Adolphous: Sey bet a lack aff yuh baxide! How yuh soh dam feisty?
GPS: Lack mi aff noh .. A how yuh tink yuh a go reach an yuhnoh know fawt bout Kingston Rd
Adolphous: Bway oh Bway .Yuh si when I go back a county .. I gwine to ask di Deala man fi a upgrade GPS system wid manaas cause if I noh tump yuh ina yuh mout tideh mi noh name Adolphous….
GPS: An mi shoulda ask fi a driva wid common sense… Jus drive lickle ova 2,000 feet dung di road.. Prabbly Nat even know how fi measure dat to :rolleyes:
Adolphous: :Is arite mi wi count di numba a higgla stall mi paas ..dere is wan every 2 feet pan Kingston RD.
GPS: **sigh** Arite do whateva.. Jus mek sure yuh noh paas Vernice Betting shap pan di carna of Peanock St.
Adolphous: Oh si Peanock street a come up ..den mek yuh neva sey soh all a lang...Now weh mi fi do?
GPS: Mek di lef a di light an look out fi wan foo-fool goat weh always a crass di street when cyar a come. Dah blastid Billy goat deh fi dead enoh. Everytime mi come pan dah street yah im run outta ina traffic like some blastid eidat.
Adolphous: :BOAL. If mi lick im dung all mi do is trow im ina di back a di truck an goh mek manish wata outta im behine. So how much furda mi fi drive pan dah road yah?
GPS: What is di rush? Yuh galang like yuh have some weh important agoh?
Adolphous: :How yuh mean? Mi havi ketch a court house before 9 aclack ar else mi havi come back yah a marning.
GPS: Court? Weh yuh ago a court fah? Yuh tefi sinting fram smaddy?
Adolphous: :Sascirse man!! Jus gi mi di directian an tap faas ina mi busnizz noh Iyah! Cho bonfiquaat!
GPS: Arite ..Moylnes Rd a come up in 50 feet.. mek a lef
Adolphous: :Here yuh a come back wid dem yuh feet an inches foolishiness! Weh yuh noh jus tell mi fi tun lef at di Kentucky place.
GPS: Oh Sarry ..mi figet sey yuh dunce. Yes tun lef as yuh si di Kentucky building.
Adolphous: :Arite …. mi a mek di turn.now….Wow! Kiss mi granny what a sexy woman dat man?
GPS: Which part?
Adolphous: :Yow yuh a noh machine? Stay outta mi business mi sey!
GPS: Yuh si if yuh noh pint har out ..a sen yuh go a Jacques Rd mek gunman ambush yuh an shat yuh up! Weh shi dey mi sey?
Adolphous: Si har dey a di bus stap crass di street
GPS: Fi real.. Shi nice an roun an compound. A wanda weh shi a head…shi look like shi laas an need lickle directian to… Yuh noh waan gi har a ride?
Adolphous: NO! Mi sey mi a try reach wey mi a go pan time. Shet up yuh mout an gi mi di next turn.
GPS: How mi fi shet up mi mout an still talk to yuh? What a mad r**s fool!
Adolphous: WHAT NEX!!
GPS: Yuh cantakurus bad enoh.. Mek a immediate Lef pan Ceddar Lane in 100 feet….eehhmm mi mean by di Post Affice.
Adolphous: :Tank yuh… But wait …it sey no Lef turn pan dah road deh
GPS: Kiss mi neck a when dem change dis part a di journey? Rasta mi noh know weh fi tell yuh cause dem neva download di new direction to mi
Adolphous: Noh mek mi cuss badwod up inya enoh.. try get mi outta dis mess enoh cause time agoh ..
GPS: Yuh have a very hoggish mentality. Why yuh noh jus go dung lickle furda an den mek a U-wie an tun up di odda side an ketch back Cedar Lane?
Adolphous: :Arite dat soun like a good plan.. A who sey yuh noh know wey yuh a do?..Arite mi a mek a U turn yahso
Sirens .. are heard in the background .. A patrol car follows with lights flashing
GPS: Oh Sheetz!
Adolphous: :BUT A WEH DI?!!! … Look weh yu mek mi do… Lawd Gad a jail mi ago now ..woooiii mi dead now! Sey sometimg to mi ..weh mi fi sey to di police man?
Adolphous: Hello!!!! Mista GPS!! Helllllooooo!! Weh mi fi sey?
Adolphous: But yuh si how dis azz-ole system lack aff afta it mek mi mek illegal turn. Jesas Gad know sey a di laas time mi a come a town wid dis yah ediat Navigation system…aah bway
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and author. Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world. She is currently in the process of writing her first book to be released soon.
© J.C. Wright, Springdale, Maryland