Live Broadcast From the East Coast Earthquake Zone (Satire) - Jamaican StylePublished Aug 29, 2011
Boardlane TV: This is Boardlane TV reporting from the streets in Washington DC Metro area. We have with us here a construction worker who felt the quake while doing construction on the road. Sir, tell us what happened when the quake hit.
Dennis: Well to tell yuh di troot mi neva know seh a earthquake enoh sistren. A dig mi a dig up di road wid a jackhamma an all of a sudden mi feel some breeda shaking an mi a seh to miself: “Blurtnaught! Dis yah jackhamma wiked noh blouse and skirt cause dung to di building dem a rakkle! When mi si di people dem a run out a di building mi drap di jackhamma an tek aff cause mi tink a mi dem a come affa fi a shake up di place soh. A friten yuh sheg!
Boardlane TV: So you actually thought the jackhammer was causing the tremors?
Dennis: Yes man! Cause mi set di ting pan buck an mi swear seh a it a mek di whole place a shake soh. (Holding his crotch) Mi bex still cause mi did well waan brag an boas to di ooman dem seh mi have di wikidess jackhamma, yuh noh seet.
Boardlane TV: Ok sir, nice talking to you and sorry to disappoint you but you had nothing to do with the tremors. Miss, I am not sure why you are dressed like you are at the beach. Could you explain your attire?
Grace: Woooo... a weak , a weak , a weak soh til mi cyaan talk. Woooo… Miss TV lady, as dere is a Gad mi piss up miself! Mi was inna Old Navy inna di dressing room a try aan baatsuit cause mi plan fi goh Ochi nex week. Mi jus put aan di baatsuit when di shaking start an mi tumble dung a grung. A tek foot an mi seh nat even Usian Bolt woulda ketch mi. Dats why yuh si mi yah inna baastsuit inna di miggle road. Lawd Gad ..mi all lef mi baggy an brazier same way inna di place.
Boardlane TV: (Laughing) Excuse me for laughing, but that is a funny story. Are you planning on going back to retrieve your belongings?
Grace: MI?! Yuh mussi mad! Mi nat teking foot back inna dat place. Mi jus hope dem wi tek mi pan di bus inna di baatsuit wid di tag a heng aff sed way. Disyah baatsuit cyaan sell again cause mi pee-ppe inna it. Lawd Gad... a weak soh til
Boardlane TV: All right mam. Thanks to the quake you have a free swim suit. Have a good day. Mister, come here and have a talk with me. You seem a little dazed and confused. Are you Ok?
Dave: A di laas bombeet time mi a go drink a Bud Light pan mi lunch break! Mi noh know wey mi goh tek up miself a drink farrin liqua pan a day like dis. Mi seh lady, as mi dun drink aff di beer soh mi start wabble. Mi a wanda seh how dem seh di beer light an mi tuntid soh?! Mi tink a drunk mi drunk to faleetee! Kiss mi neck! Den mi si wan lady run ZOOPS! paas mi like lightning …an di breeze weh a falla back har lick mi ova. Mi seh Lawd Gad dis is it! Mi naah drink when sun hat again!
Boardlane TV: So do you realize that it was no that you were drunk but it was in fact a quake?
Dave: It noh matta! Jus a cheap mi di drunk cause a di fus mi eva feel soh light inna mi head an giddy! Mi ah-rite dowe. But as Gad is my wikness mi naah touch noh more Bud Light!
Boardlane TV: Ok sir, take care. Sir! You with the briefcase. How are you sir?
Milton: (Shaking) Lawd Jesas! Di place still a shake. Run fi yuh life lady! RUN MI SEH!
Boardlane TV: No sir, the quake is over. It is you that is still shaking. Clam down.
Milton: Oh a soh? Tank Gad. Well, how are you my dear? I am Milton Jackson from the department of Homeland Security. It was about 1:56 in the hofternoon when I was in mah office on the 5th floor sipping on some coffee when the quake shaked. I was so overcame with fear that I grab my briefcase an ranned out of the office. The last time I ranneth like this was at Boys Champs in ‘85. And that time was 10.56 in a sprint. I must have done 9.2 flat today.
Boardlane TV: Well Mister Jackson as an employee of homeland security you should be one of DC’s bravest as well as the most organized. Did your office not have a evacuation plan?
Milton: Evacuation plan mi backfoot? When yuh si book shelve and computa a shake like hell who have noh time fi memba bout evacuation plan? Anyway, dat plan is only if dere is aneda 911. Earthquake a different sinting cause yuh noh know weh ago drap pan yuh head tap!
Boardlane TV: Thanks for your time Mister Jackson. Miss, can you step over here and chat with me? How was the experience for you?
Sharon: (Feeling the Holy Spirit) Hastama-kanta-balu! Hastama-kanta-balu! Jehovah Gad move di eart tideh fi show di unrighteous dem seh a im a di KING of all KINGS! Tideh di whole a wi wikness di powa an di wrath of di Almighty who is rula of is eart! Jah naah sleep an IM is nat pleased wid di corruption, di back biting, di whore mongering, lickie-lickie, di buggaring, di bleaching an di Facebook ting.
Boardlane TV: I see you are devoted Christian and this incident moved you? Am I correct?
Sharon: No mam. Mi nat in di church. But mi still have to lick out gainst evil. But mi ago mek sure fine mi backside a church dis Sunday cause Maasa Gad a come fi im worl. Which church yuh goh by di way? Mi a look wan place fi worship.
Boardlane TV: You are on your own with that. Anyway have fun finding a church this weekend.
This has been a live broadcast where we heard I wide perspective from the Jamaicans on the streets of Washington DC. Back to regularly scheduled program.
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book “A Soh Wi Do It!”. She is working on her second book "A Soh It Goh!" (Coming soon). Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances - http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/
©Joelle C. Wright August 24, 2011
1 comment(s) on this page. Add your own comment below.
OMG!! Wendy you are the BEST!!!! I was waiting for this a long time. I wondered when is she gonna write about the earthquake. I was not disappointed. I laughed so hard tears ran down my face. I am texting my cousin telling her she has to read this and i am sending her quotes. You are an extremely talented writer and I love your work! Keep up the good work and lotsa blessings!