HURRICANE SANDY: Boardlane TV On The Streets of St. Ann (A Jamaican Spoof)Published Oct 29, 2012
Jamaicans are hunkered down as Hurricane Sandy with pelting rain and howling winds, is battering the island. However, a few brave souls are out and about defying warnings to stay home. Boardlane TV is here this St. Ann area to speak to some of them.
Boardlane TV: (Under an umbrella) Hello, I am here in the streets where heavy winds have picked up a few minutes ago. I am about to speak to a mentally ill man who lives here on the street and he seems to be the least bit worried about the storm. Sir, do you need help to get into a shelter?
Mad Max: Goh a which shelta?! Yuh a mad ooman?! Yuh tink mi coulda hear seh wan gyal name, Sandy a come an run weh lef har? Everyday man a git up a call mi mad, but is only a mad man would git up an lef Sandy all alone. (Eyes closed) Feel how di breeze nice soh til! I can smell di scent of Sandy as shi whiff paas mi nose-ole. Shi a tantalize mi wid har tenda touch pan di back mi elbow. (Arms stretched out) Sandy baby, come man-hangle mi like a wild beast, mi shuga candy. Drench mi wid yuh love, baby. Kill mi wid it, buttacup!
Boardlane TV: Sir, I understand that you are mentally ill but I am truly concerned for your safety. You need to get to a shelter.
Mad Max: Fret not, caah mi Sandy wi protect mi unda har bosom. Listen good. Yuh hear dat? Mi hear Sandy a whispa some sweet lyrics inna mi ears. (Hugging himself) Sandy, come wi goh roun a di back a di church an mek tree baby wan time, mi dawling.
Boardlane TV: (Sigh) Oh dear. He is really not all together. Moving on to a young lady who is soaked from head to toe. What are you doing out here when you should be home?
Marsha: Hi, hello. Mi jus wanted to come check out di wan, Sandy. Mi waan fi know how shi soh brazen. Shi noh hear seh dem a rape aff ooman lef to right dung yah? Is why shi a come eggs up harself now fi come a Jamaica like shi noh gat noh flipping sense! (Wagging her finger) Sandy, please to goh back where yuh coming fram an mine man ketch yuh an rape yuh aff.
Boardlane TV: (Laughs) Never a dull day with Jamaicans. Moving over to man in the far corner with his back turn to us. Excuse me young man. Why are you out here in the storm?
Ronny: (With Carbolic Soap in hand) Who me? Trus mi, Sandy come di right time. A troo yuh noh know. Dem lack aff wata fram laas night an a wan bade mi come outta fi ketch.
Boardlane TV: You are seriously washing yourself in the middle of the street?
Ronny: How yuh mean? A di bess bade dis mi eva get. More time a lickle troops a wata mi get outta di pipe fi ketch inna wash pan. Anyway, unu move fram yah soh caah mi about fi drap mi drawz an wash some place weh cyaan show pan TV.
Boardlane TV: OK ..yes we cannot show that on TV. Just when I thought I have seen it all. Oh, I see someone running towards us. Let’s see what she is up to.
Noreen: (Running with hands covering her head) Lady, mi can seh someting to di TV?
Boardlane TV: Sure. Come on over under this umbrella. What would you like to say?
Noreen: Greetings! I would like to sen a message to Auntie Sadie in Miami dat shi fi memba seh when breeze blow shi fi pack wan barrel fi mi. Tings ago hard dung here as fram tomorrow, soh please mi a beg har sen some Ivory soap, wan tin a cheese, some boasy jeans fi di baby, two pack a 10 inch hair weave…di wet an wavy type, wan size 9 slippas an anyting else shi can trow in deh. Tanks, yuh hear. Have a nice day.
Boardlane TV: All right love. Hope she gets the message. Interestingly there is another man here just leaning up against a closed shop. (Walking towards him) Hi, hello…. Wendy reporting for Boardlane TV. Why are you standing here so comfortably when there is such a dangerous storm brewing?
Kapone: (Puffing a cigarette) Yow, if a live TV dis unu betta black out mi face, enoh. Mi cyaan mek people come si mi face a show pan TV a blurtnaught.
Boardlane TV: Well, we are recording live…we will not record your face if you wish. What’s your concern and why are you here?
Kapone: Yuh waan si mi a lay wait Sandy fi come blow aff di zinc affa dah shap yah. As mi si zinc start fly mi ago grab some shuga, rice, cornmeal, two cut a butta and peica salt powk. A waan tell yuh seh mi noh have nutten a mi yaad fi nyam to bombawt!
Boardlane TV: Are you confessing to a plan to loot the shop?
Kapone: (Puffs the cigarette) Watcha lady, looting a weh unu news people call it. I man call it “survival.” A lang time mi a plan fi bruck di shap but since as Sandy deh yah, mi ago do dis ting di legal way. When di roof fly weh, nohbaddy cyaan seh mi bruck dem shap. A soh mi seet. Unu can gwaan rae rae bout looting…a work mi deh pan jus like yuh deh pan your work. Mi dun talk!
Boardlane TV: That is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard. What if the police are alerted?
Kapone: Mek di police bway dem come. Mek dem come! When mi start fling some tin mackerel affa dem blousecut, mi naah miss. Sen dem come. Yuh tink mi fraida police? (Looking up to the sky) Come aan Sandy, liff aff dah roof yah mek I man do mi ting an lef fram bout yah!
Boardlane TV: This is sad. Anyway, the wind is picking up here and we have to go. We here at Boardlane TV wish every Jamaican safety during the storm. Thanks for joining us.
© Written by Joelle C. Wright Oct 24, 2012
Books by the Author: A Soh Wi Do It & A Soh It Goh!
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book “A Soh Wi Do It!”. She recently completed her second book "A Soh It Goh!". Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances - http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/