LIVE BROADCAST: Dancehall Star, Vybz Kartel escape (Satire) (Jamaica)

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LIVE BROADCAST: Dancehall Star, Vybz Kartel escape (Satire)

Published Dec 5, 2011

Reggae Dancehall star Vybz Kartel has been in police custody in Jamaica since October 1, while he awaits trail for two murder cases. This morning Boardlane TV received reports that the super star has escaped from his jail cell. The reports are that Kartel started a riot at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre in Jamaica early on Wednesday morning (November 30), and managed to escape with seven other inmates after holding officers at gunpoint. Boardlane TV is on location in an attempt to get to the bottom of this story.

Boardlane TV:

We are here at the Horizon Adult Remand correctional facility speaking to the head warden who was on duty this morning when the alleged escape occurred. Mister Jacobs, can you confirm or disprove that that prisoner, Adidja Palmer, AKA Vybz Kartel has escaped?

Warden Jacobs:

Kartel escape?!! Kiss mi neck! A weh yuh a seh to mi! (Waving frantically) OFFICA WILLIAMS, BLOW DI HARN, BLOW DI HARN— DI CAKE SOAP BWAY ESCAPE AN GET WEH!!

Boardlane TV:

Mister Jacobs, hold on a second. We are not sure if the reports are factual. MTV news, a foreign news outlet, reported that he even sent out a tweet to his fans this morning about his escape. I am just here to find out facts, sir. Is he here or not?

Warden Jacobs:

Lady, a weh di backside unu a waste mi time fah? Is he deh yah or is he nat deh yah? How mi fi know dat? Ah-rite, come wi goh dung a im cell goh check. But mi a warn yuh, when yuh reach dah cell deh, cova yuh nose cause in deh tink a p!ss. Dah bway deh noh stap p!ss up imself when wi a beat out im racko tail!

Boardlane TV:

Oh dear! That’s sounds horrible. (Walking along) So Mister Jacobs, how can you be the head of this facility and not be sure if one of your inmates escaped. Is that a sign of negligence on your part, sir?

Warden Jacobs:

Soh yuh noh tink big man fi sleep a night time?! (Kiss teet) Anyway, dis facility yuh si here mek outta di bess raw material money can buy weh import fram China. Nobaddy cyaan escapes fram yahsoh. An to how Kartel skin have every blastid cola inna di rainbow, bout im a coloring book, my guardsman dem can spot im a mile. Si di cell a come up.

Boardlane TV:

Ok, let’s see. For your sake I hope he is in there.

Warden Jacobs:

(Banging on the jail cell

) GAZA?! Weh yuh deh? Show yuh face, Mista Clorox bleach!!

Vybz Kartel:

(From under his bed)

Who dat a bawl out fi di Gaza! (Oh!)

Warden Jacobs:

Come fram undaneat di bombeet bed an come talk to dah news lady yah. Shi waan know if yuh escape dis marning.

Vybz Kartel:

(From under his bed

) Yow King, yuh noh si seh mi unda mi bed. Yuh cyaan jus tell di ooman seh mi noh escape YET (Oh!) Mi cyaan come out til when di sun set pan di wess dread. Di sun hat a bun out mi face to blurtseed. A ongly mi nose still bleach out star. Mi cyaan mek nohbaddy si mi soh iyah! (Oh!)

Boardlane TV:

It’s OK Mister Jacobs. We now know that he is still in custody. Let him stay.

Warden Jacobs:

(Banging on the jail cell

) GAZA, MI SEH FI GIT UP an come chat to di people mek dem know seh yuh noh deh pan Facebook an Tweaka!

Boardlane TV:

Tweaka? What the heck is “Tweaka”?

Warden Jacobs:

Noh yuh tell mi jus a while ago seh Kartel tweek sinting to di wukliss people dem weh a falla back a im. Di sinting pan computa man… a noh tweaka it name?

Boardlane TV:

Sir, that is “Twitter!” Mister Jacobs, let him stay. Clearly he does not want to be exposed to the sun. We can now confirm he has not escape. Do you know how this rumor became so wide spread?

Vybz Kartel:

(Chanting and singing

)

Check di dutty bway name Movado!


Man a gwaan like mi fren but dem a wish mi life en (oh!)


Troo im waan mi babby modda, im a try put mi inna hot wata (oh!)


Gaza a di teacha’s pet... when mi touch back a road, mi a di biggess tret.


Dem man deh noh stap tek di pizen dope but mi still a wash mi face wid di cake soap (oh!)

Boardlane TV:

That sounds like another hit song in the making, doesn’t it?

Warden Jacobs:

A bare fawt im a chat! Anyway, come aan now! Time unu an di news camera leave. Gaza deh yah! Go tell di whole worl dat! An tell MTV fi stay outta yaad business. Weh dem fi penetrate is fi fine out who kill Tupac an Biggie an den tek dat mek news.

Boardlane TV:

Well, this is Boardlane TV bringing you up to date news as we get them. The notorious Vybz Kartel is indeed safely secured under his bed at the Horizon Adult Remand Centre. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

 

About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book A Soh Wi Do It!. She is working on her second book "A Soh It Goh!" (Coming soon). Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances - http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/

Wendy

©Joelle C. Wright  Novermber 30, 2011

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