Live Broadcast From Occupy Downtown (Satire) - Jamaican StylePublished Oct 17, 2011
Boardlane TV: Good afternoon, once again Boardlane TV is reporting from the streets of downtown, Kingston where a massive protest is on the way by concerned citizens of Jamaica. I have with me here a business-like man from Constant Spring who has a lot to say about what he wants to see change in this country. Sir, could you talk to our viewers about your concerns?
Reginal: Yes, good afternoon. The reason for me being here is because I want to plea to the government to provide critical mass required to catalyzed redevelopment of the Eastern sector of Paradise Street and advocate for the expansion of the drainage system in the Southern limit across Kingston. I would like to also see the inclusion of the members of the diplomatic mission to influence entertainment and recreation around the Bellevue corridor.
Boardlane TV: Sir, you have lost me. What exactly are you talking about?
Reginal: Your guess is as good as mine baby love. Mi did jus waan soun intelligent on television an a dat mi practice fi seh whole night last night. But I stan by everyting mi seh- even if it noh mek noh bloody sense. More time mi hear di politician dem a roun up dem mout an dem naah mek noh dyam sense eida. Soh mi tink dat is language dem can andastan. Yuh si mi?
Boardlane TV: Ok sir. But I thought this was about real causes here. Let me move on. Young lady, you have a very interesting placard that decries Portia Simpson’s sense of style. What is that all about?
Denise: Well, as a hair dressa l tink it is in di bess interes of dis country dat Portia change har hairstyle. If shi did a kip up har hairdo wance in a while di economy woulda deh pan betta footing.
Boardlane TV: How so?
Denise: Well, fi startas mi personally woulda charge har wholeheapa money jus fi comb out har hair. Den is aneda money fi aile it dung an aneda money fi gi har wan a dem tall hair weave mek shi look like spring chicken. Dat deh wig looking sinting pan tap a har head spwail an it mek har look like ole ooman to much. If shi do har hair, people like mi would mek a money fi spen. A soh di economy woulda get betta. It simple soh!
Boardlane TV: Ahmn .. I don’t really think it is that simple, but if you say so. Thank you for your time. Hi Miss! Come over here and discuss your placard with us. Why have you decided to join this movement and what is your demand to the government?
Sandra: Yes mam…di ting weh bun mi why mi have to bi dung here is di fact dat dem lack up Vybz Kartel an mek Teacha’s Pet flop out! Di show did a gwaan good pan Lime TV an all of a sudden sayka di jancrow police dem goh lack up di bway di show tap soh – Braps!
Boardlane TV: But he was arrested on the charge of double murder miss. Isn’t that serious enough for him to be in jail?
Sandra: Dat coulda wait til di show dun cause di show did ago sell aff! Plus it noh mek sense fi kip im inna jail when im alone risponsible di production of Cake soap inna di country. Di Supamarket Manija dem a seh Cake Soap sales a drap fram dem lack im up cause a im wan did a buy dem up. How dat fi good fi di economy? Cho rahtid man! Dis yah govament an di police force too blinking backwod!
Boardlane TV: Ok my dear. Good luck with your protest. We have time to speak to one more person. Sir, your placard mentions the inequality of wealth. That sounds like a good platform. Tell us about your complaint regarding inequality.
Andy : Respec nice lady! My name is Andy Livingston an mi did enta di Festival competition dis year an come in 4th. Di people dem gi mi $100,000 an wan pieca iron trophy. But when mi tek a stock, di man weh come in fus get 1 million an change. A wah kina almshouse bizness dat?! How im fi get soh much money an a pure ediat ting di man did a a sing wid im foo-fool jump up dance weh noh tek. Dem coulda at leas gi mi half a million cause mi sang di wikid! Jah know seh mi a rue fi dat cause mi money shart.
Boardlane TV: Oh dear… what a story! Well folks, as you have just heard the people of the “Occupy Downtown” movement hae their demands. Not very cohesive demands... none of them really make any sense for that matter, but we are just here to cover the news. Have a lovely day until we report live again from Boardlane TV
About the Writer
Wendy is an aspiring playwriter and the author of the book “A Soh Wi Do It!”. She is working on her second book "A Soh It Goh!" (Coming soon). Many of her ‘Jamaicanized’ stories and original sketches have been ‘viral’ on the Internet for several years. Many who have read her work has been known to laugh uncontrollably from the hilarious portrayal of the characters in the sketches. Wendy’s impressive writing portfolio includes the very funny Jamaicanized version of the Titanic, Cinderella (Punchinella) and most recently the sketch on the American Airline crash in Jamaica. Her work has been featured on the Jamaicans.com forums for over 12 years and enjoyed by many around the world.
Check out her website for more information on her books and appearances - http://www.ackeepodpublishing.com/
©Joelle C. Wright October 12, 2011